Staying at Home

I don't like staying at home as much anymore. Not just because I miss you. I feel like there isn't anything for me to do here. At your house I can always find something to do. I can spend time with you, or watch TV, or play games, or sometimes chores. And you keep me very well fed, which is so much more than I can say about staying here. There is no TV to watch and you're not here. The only things I have to do over here are chores and playing on the computer. It's fun and all, but sometimes I would like to do something else instead of playing on the computer for hours and hours on end. At your house I don't even feel compelled to be on the computer. I have better things I could be doing. But I don't feel like that here. And I hate it. I hate that the only thing worth my time while I'm here is sitting at the computer.

What a Day

I'm probably not in the bloggiest of moods right now. But especially in a time like this I want to show you I'm thinking of you, and that what you say is still important to me.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable being around Kathleen anymore. Regardless of what she was planning, that was traumatic. I've never, ever had my life threatened like that before. Ever. I've never felt my safety was in so much danger that I immediately had to call the police. I've in fact never called the police on a person before in my life. I gave a lot of information over the phone with the operator. Whether I asked them not to file a report or not, they have the information to, and I think they're going to. With the cop telling me it's for my safety.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I screwed up. Like I should have done something different. Anything at all, that would have kept this from happening the way it did. I should have just gone back to your house without a word. Or maybe I should have made my intentions more clear, that I just wanted to spend some more time with my friends. Maybe then it wouldn't have made you upset, and in turn make her upset. I could have done things differently that would have made things happen differently. Or that I shouldn't have called the cops. That I could have just trusted that things would be handled by you. I don't know what I should of done, or even what I could have done.

I don't feel safe around her. And I don't know what that means for us. I don't know how it can work if I'm genuinely afraid of her. Even if it was just a moment of weakness, of emotional distress, who's to say that she won't have another? And maybe the next time it won't stop? What if she goes through with it? There's such a big difference between her simply not liking me and being so utterly terrified of her. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if I even CAN handle this.

I just want to scream. This is so unfair.

Forgetting to Blog

I hate it when I forget to blog. I've gotten in trouble for it too many times. I'm glad that when it's not my fault you reflect that. I never mean to make mistakes, and I always want to make up for them. Whether through punishment or like I did for last night's missed blog, do something to make up for it.

It's so rare that I just pass out like that. Especially while sitting up. I don't remember laying down or anything at all. Just sitting down, and then waking up. I remembered about the blog as soon as I woke up, so I got breakfast, and then started thinking of what to blog about. And I blogged as soon as I could. I was a worried that you would be upset with me for not doing it last night. But I guess everything's worked out. And not only that, I get to see you Friday! I'm really looking forward to that. I'll try and keep this from happening again in the future.

I have a question though. Would it be okay if I started blogging in the mornings instead of in the evenings? That way I wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep before doing it anymore. Let me know what you think.

Yours

I wanted to talk about why I'm yours. What makes me yours. I don't think I ever completely explained it, and you've said you don't ever assume I'm still yours.

I'm yours because of the feelings you give me. Not just that you're nice to me, or you hold me when I want it. But all the time that I'm with you, I feel as though... there's nothing to worry about. That if something bad happens, you'll be right there to help. Making you smile makes me smile. I can't seem to do anything else when I see you smiling. I have to smile back. I always feel that you're so much more than me. That you don't make any mistakes, and that you would always do what's best for me. Even when I'm being punished, I know it's for my own good. So that I won't make the mistake again.

I always think about you when I go to sleep. When I'm laying alone it feels like you're missing. That you should be right there with me, holding me as I fall asleep. I feel protected, and cherished. I feel wanted. I can be myself around you, in every way I've never been able to. You teach me new things, and try to make me better. You understand when I make mistakes, and you never hold it against me. You make me feel pretty, which is something I've never seen in myself before. You pet me, and hold me, and kiss me. I feel special with you. I want to be the best sub in the world, so that I can make you the happiest domme.

Moving In

I know I just did a blog post about this, but my mind is still dwelling on the thought of me coming to live with you. I could do it as soon as I got a job. I would pay you rent, go to work, and come home. I could show you I'm yours every day and all day. And I would never have to worry about anything ever again, because I would have you to take care of me. I would probably want to live in the studio after some thoughts on it. So that I would be able to have some time by myself, which is important to me. Besides, if I moved into your house, I would try to hang off you all day every day, which I'm sure K and A wouldn't like much.

I feel bad we couldn't think of anything to talk about earlier today. My day had been so boring and you seemed kind of upset. I'm planning on setting off on an epic adventure tomorrow, by which I mean clean the house. I'll probably be done by the time you're home from work, but we'll see. Sometimes you don't know how much work there is to do until you try to do it all. Which reminds me, my brother is out of town for the next week and a half. Which means I can call you from his house phone without me having to use my minutes. That'll be nice. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. I think I would like that.

Hope this entry wasn't terribly boring! I wasn't sure what to blog about, so I went with what was most on my mind. Hope to hear from you very soon!

Living with You

I got a little taste of living with you the past couple of weeks. I really, really liked it after getting over the initial awkwardness of staying for so long. I liked it so much that I didn't want to leave. And I hope once I do get a job and a car I can move in for good. Or at least to the studio outside, if not into the house proper. After all that might be a bit too much for Kathleen. I had a lot of fun and I felt like I was able to be myself all the time. I never had to hide anything, and I was so happy. I was with someone who cares about me, and who I care about back. I felt cherished 100% of the time. And that's not something most people can say; even people who live with their lovers can't usually say that. It's just the perfect feeling. I can be with you all the time. I can do things for you, and show you what makes me yours. I can laugh with you, smile, and cry with you without you ever judging me. You're always there, and you're always giving me the attention I need.

Maybe soon it won't have to end, and I can feel like that all the time. It's the most special feeling anyone could ever feel.

Thank you so much Miss Yana. I can't say it enough, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you for being you.

Introducing BDSM

I have to admit at first, I was a little scared of introducing BDSM. Mostly because it's not something I've ever done before, and of course getting hurt is a good reason to be nervous. But after trying it out a bit I feel more confident about it. The ball gag isn't going to kill me and neither is the flogger. And I trust you. That's the most important part, at least for me. You aren't going to leave welts or anything. Of course I'm still a little nervous, because we've never done it before. But I'm ready for it now. I'm yours, and you can use me however you want.