Submission and Initiative

There's a pretty big difference between me wanting to do something and you telling me to do it. Obviously when you tell me to do something, I want to do it because you told me to. But me wanting to do something on my own... All that means is it's something I want. Firstly that means it's less important to me than what you tell me to. Because when you tell me I can't do something, or I have to do something, I won't always want to. But my desire to obey you exceeds that. So you can tell me to do something I don't necessarily want, and I'll still do it. To certain limits of course.

But again it's different when I want to do something for you on my own. To me at least, it's a lot more meaningful. It means that's where my heart is, and not just you telling me where my heart is. I like having my own wants beyond what's asked of me. It makes my devotion to you much more important and meaningful, because I'm putting you above myself. Whereas otherwise I wouldn't have anything to put you above. You would be at the top because there's nothing to compete with.

I guess the easiest example of this is you telling me I can't roleplay for a while. Of course my desire to roleplay still exists. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a punishment. But I still do it because I want to obey. But when I want to do something on my own, it's means everything. Like when I sat at your feet. I didn't just do that because you said you would like it. I wanted to. I wanted to be there, so that's where I went. And I felt so happy being there. And it was special to me because I wanted it.

It might just be that I like things more when it's something I want. It could really be just that simple. Of course, sometimes I do want things that are just done for me. Like a blowjob, or being fucked... Or getting tied up, or being kissed. But those are things I want too. Even if it's things I want done to me, it's still things I want. And there are things that I want to do. I want to sit at your feet, I want to kiss your neck, and your breasts... I want to make you come in every way I can. I want to make you happy, and I want to bring you coffee. I want to make you proud of me.

But sometimes it's okay for things to happen that I don't want, if it helps towards something I do. Above all, I am your sub. And if I have to do things I don't want to make you happy, I can deal with that. And do them with a smile. I don't need more of a reason than that. The only reason I need is that I'm yours in every way.

Feeling Pretty Good

I woke up with my arms both not hurting for the first time in a couple of days. That was the first thing that told me today was going to be a good day. My shoulders stopped blistering overnight. All the blisters that were there were just gone when I woke up. Not popped or anything, just gone. Healed in one night. That put me in such a good mood. The only downside is my skin is finally starting to peel from the sunburn. But that'll go away soon enough.

Wednesday I'm going to go do some work for my uncle, and he's going to give me some money for it. I think we're clearing out an office or something. There's some heavy lifting involved and he's got trouble with his knees, so he's having me, my cousin, and one of his friends help out for some money. It'll probably be an all day thing but it's worth it. I need some money, even if it isn't much. Not really expecting more than 10 or 20, but we'll see!

I'm definitely feeling homesick by now. I've been away for a week now. Way too long to be away from home. And I really miss you. Is there any chance I can come visit you when I get back Thursday? Or this Friday? Or you come visit me? I would really like to see you again. I hope you feel the same.

6-27. Not much fun

I know I normally talk about D/s in this blog but I haven't been feeling too well today, and my mind isn't really anywhere near thinking about D/s. I've been frustrated and stressed and upset all day because I'm in constant pain. My skin is blistering and I'm just in general not feeling too terribly happy.

I feel like I was kind of snappy on the phone when I wasn't really meaning to be. I don't feel very proud of myself right now. I'm upset I messed up again and that I don't seem to be getting any better. I'm upset that I didn't feel submissive when I was talking to you tonight, especially since I like how that feels. I'm uspet that this sunburn isn't gone yet and it still hurts.

Is it wrong for me to not feel submissive all the time? To be so upset with things that are happening around me that I can't focus on what I want? It feels wrong to me. I don't want to think that I can get so stressed that I stop being myself. I thought that part of me was gone. The little kid inside that kicks and screams when things aren't going his way. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do.

I'm feeling a lot more like myself after writing this though. And I'm really starting to miss you. I want to be with you right now and just be held... I want someone to take care of me. I want to relax. I want to smile. And not a fake smile that anyone can put on, but a real smile. The kind of smile I've only felt at your feet. I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I feel stressed, and lonely, and that there's no one for me to share my feelings with. Even though I can talk to you I miss you.

I barely know what I'm typing anymore. I'm just putting down whatever comes to mind. But the only thing that I want right now is to come back. I miss being home, I miss not having to deal with drugs, I miss having time to myself, but I especially miss you. I want to come home. I want to relax with you, and you to tell me that everything will be alright. That I don't have to worry about anything. That I can just be myself, and be happy. I miss that feeling the most. Not having to worry, that you're there, and that nothing else matters.

Thursday can't come quick enough.

The Ring

When you first gave me the ring, to be honest I didn't expect it to mean too much to me. I knew it would symbolize what I am to you, but I didn't expect it to be much more than a symbol. But it does. It feels wrong to take it off, even when I need to. Like to take a shower, or to get in the pool. It's even a habit for me to hold onto it when I'm masturbating now. I'll stare at it, twirl it in my fingers, and just smile. It makes me feel like I'm a little closer to you. And it definitely makes me feel like I'm yours. I wear it all day, and I even sleep with it on now. It means more to me than just what it symbolizes. It's a gift from you. It's a part of me. It's special, and I'll cherish it forever.

In a Year

Where do I see us in a year? I really don't know. It's not something I've thought about before. I feel like we would still be together in that time. But to where exactly our relationship would go... I don't know. There's not really any way to know something far off like that... I know I would be a lot more comfortable around you. I would want to make you proud of me, and happy with me. But that's something I want now. I guess I'm not completely sure of it because I've never been in this kind of relationship before. And roleplay can't tell me where it would go in a year's time, because it's all one-off scenes. Never anything that really lasts for that long. The only thing I'm sure of, though, is that in a year's time, I see myself at your feet. Happy. Yes, I want sex. It would make me very happy. But that's not all I want. I would be happy with you without it, even if I was a little disappointed. I came into the relationship not expecting anything sexual at all. But it does make me very happy that you think of me in that way too. Maybe in a year we would be doing those sorts of things. It would make me happy, that I could be yours in that way too. I want to be yours completely. And I feel that in a year, I would be.

Talking Today

I found out today that I really, really don't like being scolded. I felt so bad that I did something wrong, that made you unhappy. I started tearing up when I was being scolded. That you were so disappointed in me, because of something that was completely my fault. That I could have easily prevented. That there wasn't any good reason for me not to have prevented. Everything hit me all at once. How much it would hurt me to lose what we have, and how much I want to sub for you. I hate that I did something that disappointed you so much. But at the same time, after I was done being scolded and you forgave me, I realize that it also means a lot to me that you care so much for me. You wouldn't have been so upset if I wasn't important to you. And that makes me really happy...

And of course, now I'm yours. I feel yours. I know I'm yours. And I want to be yours. I hate that the only way I can show it is in words right now, but I am. It feels like I would do anything to make you happy. Even things I don't want to do, I would do as long as it was for you. I miss you though. I want to be with you right now so that I can prove I'm yours. I don't know how I would prove it, and really it doesn't matter to me how. If it means that I can show you what you mean to me, and what I am to you, I would. That's why I can masturbate in front of you. I don't think I could do that for anyone else... It's such a private thing, and it makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life... but I'm showing that side to you, and that makes it okay. Because I'm yours.

Role of a Sub

A sub's role isn't terribly complex. It's more than just doing what you're told, though. That's what a slave does. A sub's role is to make their Domme happy. At least, that's what I think. Serving a Domme is more about making them happy than it is doing what you're told. Sometimes it's more submissive to do something without being asked than to be told. To just know what your Domme wants. There are a few things I could do to take initiative. Sitting at your feet like I did comes to mind. Or making you coffee like you were talking about. Of course I'm not completely sure what kinds of things you would want me to do. But once I know what you appreciate I can see myself doing things for you without you having to say anything.

Lately I've been thinking about being with you a lot. What we do together, and what I can do for you. And what you've been doing with me. Especially after the sexual part of our relationship came up. I really like being pet. But altogether I really like being with you, and feeling like I'm yours.

I think right now I'm going to be a bit passive. At the very least until I know what kinds of things I can do for you. I'll try and do things on my own whenever I can, but it'll take some more getting to know you, and your likes and needs before I can do too much.