6-27. Not much fun

I know I normally talk about D/s in this blog but I haven't been feeling too well today, and my mind isn't really anywhere near thinking about D/s. I've been frustrated and stressed and upset all day because I'm in constant pain. My skin is blistering and I'm just in general not feeling too terribly happy.

I feel like I was kind of snappy on the phone when I wasn't really meaning to be. I don't feel very proud of myself right now. I'm upset I messed up again and that I don't seem to be getting any better. I'm upset that I didn't feel submissive when I was talking to you tonight, especially since I like how that feels. I'm uspet that this sunburn isn't gone yet and it still hurts.

Is it wrong for me to not feel submissive all the time? To be so upset with things that are happening around me that I can't focus on what I want? It feels wrong to me. I don't want to think that I can get so stressed that I stop being myself. I thought that part of me was gone. The little kid inside that kicks and screams when things aren't going his way. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do.

I'm feeling a lot more like myself after writing this though. And I'm really starting to miss you. I want to be with you right now and just be held... I want someone to take care of me. I want to relax. I want to smile. And not a fake smile that anyone can put on, but a real smile. The kind of smile I've only felt at your feet. I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I feel stressed, and lonely, and that there's no one for me to share my feelings with. Even though I can talk to you I miss you.

I barely know what I'm typing anymore. I'm just putting down whatever comes to mind. But the only thing that I want right now is to come back. I miss being home, I miss not having to deal with drugs, I miss having time to myself, but I especially miss you. I want to come home. I want to relax with you, and you to tell me that everything will be alright. That I don't have to worry about anything. That I can just be myself, and be happy. I miss that feeling the most. Not having to worry, that you're there, and that nothing else matters.

Thursday can't come quick enough.