Submission and Initiative

There's a pretty big difference between me wanting to do something and you telling me to do it. Obviously when you tell me to do something, I want to do it because you told me to. But me wanting to do something on my own... All that means is it's something I want. Firstly that means it's less important to me than what you tell me to. Because when you tell me I can't do something, or I have to do something, I won't always want to. But my desire to obey you exceeds that. So you can tell me to do something I don't necessarily want, and I'll still do it. To certain limits of course.

But again it's different when I want to do something for you on my own. To me at least, it's a lot more meaningful. It means that's where my heart is, and not just you telling me where my heart is. I like having my own wants beyond what's asked of me. It makes my devotion to you much more important and meaningful, because I'm putting you above myself. Whereas otherwise I wouldn't have anything to put you above. You would be at the top because there's nothing to compete with.

I guess the easiest example of this is you telling me I can't roleplay for a while. Of course my desire to roleplay still exists. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a punishment. But I still do it because I want to obey. But when I want to do something on my own, it's means everything. Like when I sat at your feet. I didn't just do that because you said you would like it. I wanted to. I wanted to be there, so that's where I went. And I felt so happy being there. And it was special to me because I wanted it.

It might just be that I like things more when it's something I want. It could really be just that simple. Of course, sometimes I do want things that are just done for me. Like a blowjob, or being fucked... Or getting tied up, or being kissed. But those are things I want too. Even if it's things I want done to me, it's still things I want. And there are things that I want to do. I want to sit at your feet, I want to kiss your neck, and your breasts... I want to make you come in every way I can. I want to make you happy, and I want to bring you coffee. I want to make you proud of me.

But sometimes it's okay for things to happen that I don't want, if it helps towards something I do. Above all, I am your sub. And if I have to do things I don't want to make you happy, I can deal with that. And do them with a smile. I don't need more of a reason than that. The only reason I need is that I'm yours in every way.

Feeling Pretty Good

I woke up with my arms both not hurting for the first time in a couple of days. That was the first thing that told me today was going to be a good day. My shoulders stopped blistering overnight. All the blisters that were there were just gone when I woke up. Not popped or anything, just gone. Healed in one night. That put me in such a good mood. The only downside is my skin is finally starting to peel from the sunburn. But that'll go away soon enough.

Wednesday I'm going to go do some work for my uncle, and he's going to give me some money for it. I think we're clearing out an office or something. There's some heavy lifting involved and he's got trouble with his knees, so he's having me, my cousin, and one of his friends help out for some money. It'll probably be an all day thing but it's worth it. I need some money, even if it isn't much. Not really expecting more than 10 or 20, but we'll see!

I'm definitely feeling homesick by now. I've been away for a week now. Way too long to be away from home. And I really miss you. Is there any chance I can come visit you when I get back Thursday? Or this Friday? Or you come visit me? I would really like to see you again. I hope you feel the same.

6-27. Not much fun

I know I normally talk about D/s in this blog but I haven't been feeling too well today, and my mind isn't really anywhere near thinking about D/s. I've been frustrated and stressed and upset all day because I'm in constant pain. My skin is blistering and I'm just in general not feeling too terribly happy.

I feel like I was kind of snappy on the phone when I wasn't really meaning to be. I don't feel very proud of myself right now. I'm upset I messed up again and that I don't seem to be getting any better. I'm upset that I didn't feel submissive when I was talking to you tonight, especially since I like how that feels. I'm uspet that this sunburn isn't gone yet and it still hurts.

Is it wrong for me to not feel submissive all the time? To be so upset with things that are happening around me that I can't focus on what I want? It feels wrong to me. I don't want to think that I can get so stressed that I stop being myself. I thought that part of me was gone. The little kid inside that kicks and screams when things aren't going his way. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do.

I'm feeling a lot more like myself after writing this though. And I'm really starting to miss you. I want to be with you right now and just be held... I want someone to take care of me. I want to relax. I want to smile. And not a fake smile that anyone can put on, but a real smile. The kind of smile I've only felt at your feet. I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I feel stressed, and lonely, and that there's no one for me to share my feelings with. Even though I can talk to you I miss you.

I barely know what I'm typing anymore. I'm just putting down whatever comes to mind. But the only thing that I want right now is to come back. I miss being home, I miss not having to deal with drugs, I miss having time to myself, but I especially miss you. I want to come home. I want to relax with you, and you to tell me that everything will be alright. That I don't have to worry about anything. That I can just be myself, and be happy. I miss that feeling the most. Not having to worry, that you're there, and that nothing else matters.

Thursday can't come quick enough.

The Ring

When you first gave me the ring, to be honest I didn't expect it to mean too much to me. I knew it would symbolize what I am to you, but I didn't expect it to be much more than a symbol. But it does. It feels wrong to take it off, even when I need to. Like to take a shower, or to get in the pool. It's even a habit for me to hold onto it when I'm masturbating now. I'll stare at it, twirl it in my fingers, and just smile. It makes me feel like I'm a little closer to you. And it definitely makes me feel like I'm yours. I wear it all day, and I even sleep with it on now. It means more to me than just what it symbolizes. It's a gift from you. It's a part of me. It's special, and I'll cherish it forever.

In a Year

Where do I see us in a year? I really don't know. It's not something I've thought about before. I feel like we would still be together in that time. But to where exactly our relationship would go... I don't know. There's not really any way to know something far off like that... I know I would be a lot more comfortable around you. I would want to make you proud of me, and happy with me. But that's something I want now. I guess I'm not completely sure of it because I've never been in this kind of relationship before. And roleplay can't tell me where it would go in a year's time, because it's all one-off scenes. Never anything that really lasts for that long. The only thing I'm sure of, though, is that in a year's time, I see myself at your feet. Happy. Yes, I want sex. It would make me very happy. But that's not all I want. I would be happy with you without it, even if I was a little disappointed. I came into the relationship not expecting anything sexual at all. But it does make me very happy that you think of me in that way too. Maybe in a year we would be doing those sorts of things. It would make me happy, that I could be yours in that way too. I want to be yours completely. And I feel that in a year, I would be.

Talking Today

I found out today that I really, really don't like being scolded. I felt so bad that I did something wrong, that made you unhappy. I started tearing up when I was being scolded. That you were so disappointed in me, because of something that was completely my fault. That I could have easily prevented. That there wasn't any good reason for me not to have prevented. Everything hit me all at once. How much it would hurt me to lose what we have, and how much I want to sub for you. I hate that I did something that disappointed you so much. But at the same time, after I was done being scolded and you forgave me, I realize that it also means a lot to me that you care so much for me. You wouldn't have been so upset if I wasn't important to you. And that makes me really happy...

And of course, now I'm yours. I feel yours. I know I'm yours. And I want to be yours. I hate that the only way I can show it is in words right now, but I am. It feels like I would do anything to make you happy. Even things I don't want to do, I would do as long as it was for you. I miss you though. I want to be with you right now so that I can prove I'm yours. I don't know how I would prove it, and really it doesn't matter to me how. If it means that I can show you what you mean to me, and what I am to you, I would. That's why I can masturbate in front of you. I don't think I could do that for anyone else... It's such a private thing, and it makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life... but I'm showing that side to you, and that makes it okay. Because I'm yours.

Role of a Sub

A sub's role isn't terribly complex. It's more than just doing what you're told, though. That's what a slave does. A sub's role is to make their Domme happy. At least, that's what I think. Serving a Domme is more about making them happy than it is doing what you're told. Sometimes it's more submissive to do something without being asked than to be told. To just know what your Domme wants. There are a few things I could do to take initiative. Sitting at your feet like I did comes to mind. Or making you coffee like you were talking about. Of course I'm not completely sure what kinds of things you would want me to do. But once I know what you appreciate I can see myself doing things for you without you having to say anything.

Lately I've been thinking about being with you a lot. What we do together, and what I can do for you. And what you've been doing with me. Especially after the sexual part of our relationship came up. I really like being pet. But altogether I really like being with you, and feeling like I'm yours.

I think right now I'm going to be a bit passive. At the very least until I know what kinds of things I can do for you. I'll try and do things on my own whenever I can, but it'll take some more getting to know you, and your likes and needs before I can do too much.

My Weekend

Wow, what a weekend. Staying over at your house was so much fun. I wish we could have had more time alone, but there's really nothing to do about that. Everything about this past weekend was so great, with a few surprises I didn't expect. For one I had no idea a sexual part of our relationship was going to come up. That was very unexpected but just as nice, even if it was just me masturbating.

But that wasn't the best part about the weekend. Besides just being with you, the most memorable thing that happened was when I sat at your feet, and you started petting and massaging me. It made me feel... so different. I wanted to tell you then but I was a little shy. But it made me feel like... I was yours. Completely and wholly yours. I've never, ever felt that way before. And it was so nice. Nothing mattered to me right then except being right there with you. I've never felt happier.

There were a few low points while I was there. Like your daughter (I don't like using real names on the internet) storming out like she did. And the window blowing out wasn't very pleasant either. But nothing that outweighed the good that happened. I'm very, very happy with how my stay turned out, and I'm really looking forward to when I can do it again.

Being Submissive

To me, being submissive comes very naturally. In my normal life I'm always trying to help people, and I do what I'm told. I don't necessarily submit to them, but it makes me happy when I'm able to make someone else happy. Whether it's something like lending my time to listen to their problems, or helping do chores, or anything simple like that. I wouldn't do -anything- for -anyone-, but small things for friends I'll always do. Of course with you it's different. I may not know what my limits are, but I trust you more than I trust anyone else. I'm willing to do more than just simple things. I can't think of any specific examples, but I guess that's because you haven't asked very much of me yet. I would clean your house or something, of course. But that's getting off topic.

Being submissive is something I don't really even think about. It's just something I am. But at the same time, I like the fact that I am. It means I can be happy just by making others happy. I don't know if that's typical for submissives or not. I'm not really happy by just taking orders and doing as I'm told, though of course that does come with its own sense of gratification. I'm happy that I can make other people be happy by what I do. And that's what being submissive is to me.

Roleplaying experience

Wow, where to begin. I've been roleplaying for a very long time and it's almost impossible to pick out any favorites... I've been roleplaying since I was 12, and have been doing D/s roleplay since I was 14. Ever since the beginning I roleplayed a sub. Of course back then it was only about the sex, and nothing else. But you didn't ask me to blog about the history of me roleplaying. You wanted to know what my favorite experience was.

Well my favorite would have to be the time I spent roleplaying with a Mistress online named Suntie. I met her through another submissive friend when I was 16 or so, and we did scenes frequently until I was 18. I roleplayed a mute girl with a playful streak. She would play pranks on her Mistress, and would be punished for it. Very sexual punishment, of course. To the point you can hardly call it punishment. She would spank my character, Atrania. Tie her up, and tease her sexually. Sometimes this would go on for hours before Suntie decided that it was enough punishment, and finally let Atrania orgasm. Of course it varied every time we played, and sometimes it wouldn't even be Atrania getting in trouble. Sometimes Atrania was a very sweet, shy, submissive girl who would do anything for her Mistress. Those were just as fun to me. I loved roleplaying with Suntie. But one day she just stopped showing up, and that was the end.

And your other question was... specific turn-ons. Well I have quite a few really. In roleplay, I really like partners that can shapeshift. Specifically, making themselves partially liquid, to mold around my character's body, and touch her all over all at once. Another thing I really enjoy is... well. Girls orgasming... Not just roleplaying, I enjoy watching videos of girls masturbating and all, too. I also like being tied up a little bit. Not a lot. Very light bondage. I've only done it in roleplay, but I get the feeling that I would enjoy it in real life too.

I can't seem to think of anything else at the moment. But if I do, I'll be sure to let you know what else I come up with.

First Meeting

Wow. When we first decided to meet I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous, and maybe even a little scared. I had never met someone that I first talked to on the internet before. And I knew that it would have to come obviously, or I would never be able to submit myself. But after today's meeting, even if it was just for breakfast I feel so much better. I feel reassured about my position as a sub, and yours as a domme. And more important, I feel as though I can trust you. It was a little scary at first to talk to you, but after the initial shock wore off I found it very easy to talk to you. I didn't use Ma'am as much as I wanted to, or should have, but I guess I was too busy trying to keep myself from fainting. I really felt like my head was going to explode! I don't know how much of the blushing you saw but it sure felt like a lot.

The important thing is that I felt very comfortable with that first meeting. Much more than I was expecting, even. I feel like I can trust you. That I can be my true female self without any consequence. I only worried once about seeming too shy around you, but you comforted me about it. You told me to be myself, even if that means being quiet.

I know it was only our first meeting but I have a good feeling about where this is going. And I would like to make a suggestion for the next time we go out together. Just as something to think about. Maybe we can spend a little more time than just going out to eat? I would really like to go to a clothes store with you. If for no other reason, than because I would like to have something nice to wear whenever we're alone for the first time. And it would make it even more special to me if you were the one to pick it out. So... if you like the idea, maybe you would want to think about it beforehand. But if you don't that's okay. I just hope you don't think it's too early for me to be thinking like this. I don't want to seem too weird after all. Which is why I was so nervous leaving... I felt inside that I wanted to hug you goodbye, but I wasn't sure if it was okay. Too late now, but maybe you can tell me for next time? I don't know how okay you are with closeness like that, especially with me, who you only just met.

Wow this turned out to be a really long post. I'm hoping I'm not revealing too much at once. And I think this time I'm going to end on a few questions for you, since you told me I was supposed to post them here as well. If you were to judge my personality today, how much of it would you say was a male personality, and how much a female? Were you comfortable around me? Can you see yourself dominating me? Once we get to that level, what kinds of things would you like to try first? And lastly... Did you find me attractive? In a feminine sense?

Being Female

I know there were two things I was supposed to talk about in the blog today but I can only remember one. I'm sorry.

There isn't as much of a difference between roleplaying as a female and actually being one. Or at least being one as much as someone like me can be. When I roleplay I'm looking inside myself, and exploring what I would do in certain situations. I never roleplay any differently than I would act. There are only a few differences. One is, of course, that the situations are staged in roleplay, but in real life they aren't. And of course in real life I don't have as much time to think about what to do. But the interesting thing is how natural it feels online. How much like myself I feel just by roleplaying. And that makes me really happy. I know that there's nothing that would make me happier than being a female.

Ma'am

Isn't it weird how a single word can mean so much? It means respect, honor, submission... But I was never really taught to to use it like most kids. In fact, I'm pretty sure today was the first time I've ever even used that word before. I've never even wanted to before today. But I felt the power behind the word, just by saying it. I have to say I do like the word a lot more than I thought I would. It felt like I was giving a part of myself. In a way that I never have before.

I definitely feel much better about a D/s relationship after talking on the phone today. I'm really happy that you're willing to work around my problems, and what I am. And that makes me all the more willing to push myself into this kind of relationship. I may not have any real experience with it, but I'm really excited to give it a try. And I'm really glad you think I'm worth a try.

The lifestyle

I've been interested in the dominant/submissive lifestyle for a lot longer than I probably should have been. I first learned about it when I was 13 or 14, from internet roleplaying websites. I would go on them, posing as a female submissive. At that time I didn't really care between a male dom or a female domme, but after enough roleplay with different males I decided that I didn't care for them very much, but all of the time I had with female dommes was very enjoyable. Despite that most of them were probably males posing as females that pretty much told me that I would be much happier being submissive to a female than a male, even before I was completely sure of my sexuality.

Since then I've continued to roleplay on sites like that as a female submissive. Though most of the roleplay has been sexual, and I know there is much more to the lifestyle than just that. And I would love to learn about it. I don't know anyone in real life who goes by that sort of lifestyle though, so I've never had a chance to experience it myself. More often than not I will roleplay as a female online, but every once in a while I'll roleplay as what I really am. And most of the responses from males, but the few times I do find a female domme to roleplay out that kind of relationship, it's been very enjoyable.

I'm really excited that I'll finally be able to submit to someone in real life. To be someone's and to make them happy. To give myself to them in any way I can.

My schedule

This is my schedule for most days.

10am - I wake up, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and take a shower. It usually takes about an hour to finish.

11am - 1pm - I like to relax before class by playing some games on my computer. Around 12:30 I have lunch. It depends on my mood, but I don't normally eat a lot. Just a sandwich or something.

1pm - 4pm - I have class at this time. First my english class, then math. I only take the two classes over the summer.

I head home at 4pm and I don't have much else that I have to do. I have lots of free time until I find myself a job. Probably just a few weeks until I do.