Hurting You

I was very upset with myself that I hurt you. That I had a moment of doubt. That even for a split second, I wasn't sure if I was completely yours anymore. Even if it was a brief moment, it's almost inexcusable in my mind. I'm supposed to know I'm yours. To feel yours all the time, no matter what. But when you told me to take the ring off... I couldn't. And even just having it suggested made my eyes water. And right then I knew I was yours. That I can't be anyone else's. And how distraught and lost I would be if I wasn't. I need to be yours. I don't just need to sub, I need to be your sub.

I can't believe I'm going to suggest this, especially since you didn't... But I feel as though I should be punished for having doubts like that. I don't know what kind of punishment, how severe, or anything. But it was wrong of me to doubt everything we've worked for and all you've given me. Even if it was a moment of emotional distress, it doesn't matter because I still had those feelings, and I never should. This is my apology to you, and acceptance of any punishment you find reasonable.

Slave Essay

Well I do like a few things in the essay. I really like the idea of being taken care of. Someone who's always above me. But I think... Probably what I liked most in the essay, when thinking about you specifically. I want to learn about your needs and wants. I want to cater to you. Not just physically, but mentally too. I want to make myself be for you. Even if I'm doing something I don't like, it's for you. And as long as it's making you happy in some way, it makes me happy too.

What I don't like, though, is not being appreciated. When I do something good, I like to be told so. Hearing nothing is almost as bad as being punished. It tells me one of two things. Either I didn't do something good enough to be noticed, or what I did didn't matter. And I don't like either of things. Even if it's not meant that way. Being neglected hurts. But you don't do that. You've never not praised me when I do something good and that makes me happy. And I hope you always do.

The past week

Wow what a week. It was really nice though, spending that much time with you. And I don't feel burnt out or anything at all. In fact I'm looking forward to next time I see you already. I'm not sure what I liked most about this week though, other than just the fact that I spent so much time with you. I really liked cuddling, but you know that already. But it's not all that important what I liked most. I was really happy while I was there. I hope I can come back over again soon.

Your Life

I'm not the cause of stress in your life because I'm yours. Anything that happens, it happens because I'm yours. You tell me to do something, and I do it. That means anything happens because of you, not me. The only thing that happens because of me is my submission. And more importantly, I can't claim responsibility for something that's your fault. That's a form of protecting you. And I can't do that. You protect you. And you protect me, because I'm yours. I can't be worrying about things in your life. It's not my right or my responsibility.

Truth

I wish it was easier for me to be completely honest. To not worry about your feelings. Especially knowing that I'll probably have to say things that won't be so nice. It's even a bit scary. I hate not being nice. It's like... giving up something I worked really hard to get. Because there was a point in time where I didn't know how to empathize with people. I didn't understand that I could say things that would hurt people's feelings. Or rather, I didn't know how to tell when I was going to. I would come out and say whatever I was thinking with no filter. I had to go to a therapist to teach me how to censor what I say. How to make bad things sound nicer, or when lying is okay. Or when not to say anything at all. I worked hard to learn that skill. To get that filter that most people seem to be born with. It's scary for me to take it down.

I'm not asking for you to let me not be honest, though. I know it's important to you, and to our relationship. I just wanted you to know why it's so hard for me. But I promise I'm going to stick to my word. I'm going to be 100% honest from now on. If I can't do that, then I can't be yours.

Problems?

I've had a while to think about it, but I can't really think of any problems I've had with you, or how you do things. I'm happy when I'm around you, and I'm happy with how you treat me. In fact I don't think I could be happier about it. You treat me so nicely and with so much patience. You understand me. This is probably going to be a very short entry, but I know I'm supposed to put something. So I just want to say I wouldn't change anything about how you treat me, even if I had the chance.

Roleplaying

Roleplaying it a lot of fun for me. It's also a bit difficult. To me, roleplaying is more than pretending. When I roleplay, I don't just do what my character would. In my mind, I feel like I am my character. I think how they think. I feel how they feel. If my character starts crying, sometimes I'll start crying. And I do all of this without even thinking about it. For the time I'm roleplaying, I really am my character. That's why I make such a big distinction between cybering and roleplaying. With cybering you're just saying things with the sole intention of getting yourself, and/or your partner to come. And it is fun. But it's a different kind of fun than roleplaying. Even in sexual roleplaying, part of the fun comes from getting into the mind of your character. Thinking how they think. Becoming them for a moment, and understanding how they should react. And then reacting. I roleplay with that mindset in all of my roleplaying. Whether it's D&D, LARPing, or Muffin. I have to understand my character and 'become' them to have fun. Otherwise it has no depth.

I don't know why you asked me to write about my role as a sub in the same blog post, though. It's a role, yes. But it isn't me playing a role. Being a sub is my role. It's part of who I am. I'm a sub because that's who I am. I want to make people happy. I especially want to make you happy. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't have the desire to submit.

Punishment

No one likes being punished. If they like a punishment, it wouldn't be a punishment. I'm no different than anyone else when it comes to that. I really hate that I asked you to change a punishment you set for me. Because I know it was supposed to hurt. And I know it was going to. It's just... I've already gone almost three weeks without seeing you. That in itself felt like punishment. And I was looking forward to seeing you with all my heart, and you telling me that you would be taking those days away... It just really hurt. Not just a little hurt but I felt incredibly broken by that. I could have lived with not seeing you if it were because of something else, but... I was being denied by you. And I guess I couldn't handle that. I really was almost crying just from thinking about it. I have a really sensitive heart... And I understand that I need to be punished when I do something wrong. But it's hard to handle being hurt emotionally.

It really, really scared me when you said it was possible for the relationship to end because of this... Because of my mistake. I don't know what I would do if I lost this because I didn't do something... Because I forgot something important. It's even worse that I've done it multiple times now... I want to be able to make it up to you but I don't know how I can. Making up the blog entries doesn't mean anything. I want to do something meaningful and special that will make up for the times I make mistakes. I want to be a good girl. A good sub. But it really scares me that I might not be good enough for you. That I make so many mistakes that you won't let me be yours anymore... Because I know I make a lot. I forget things. I'll forget the same thing multiple times even... And I hate that. Especially when I know they're important. Blogging is important to me too. I've never had a place where I could be open like I am on here.

I just really, really hope I'm good enough for you... I want to be... I'm trying to be. And it's really frightening to know just how easily I could lose this relationship... I don't want that to happen. I'm going to do everything I can to keep it from happening. It's too special, and too important to me for me to lose it over something like this... I'm your sub. I don't think I could be anyone else's...

So Ready to Come Home

I get to go home tomorrow! I made $30 from working yesterday which is plenty for me. He says he's going to give me another $30 or $50 whenever he gets the money. He had a bill he had to pay and couldn't give the full amount immediately. But the $30 is enough for me, at least for now.

I'm really missing you right now. And I'm really glad i get to see you soon. I'm really sorry I forgot to blog last night but I'm really, really hoping that doing it this morning will make up for it. This won't happen when I'm home and can set an alarm to remind myself. And besides I've had enough of Florida. It's hot, it's humid... Though admittedly Georgia is like that too. But I'm not at home here. I want to come home and relax. I want to come be with you, especially. It won't be long now. Then I'll be home, and a little longer and I'll be with you. I'm really excited about this weekend. I've missed you so much!