Disconnected

A large part of my lack of connection when we're away comes from the fact we were away from each other for so long, and didn't have contact at all for some time. And then my internet problem came up, and even though you're better now, we haven't been able to talk daily like we used to. I remember feeling connected to you before, so I think once we get back into our normal schedules that feeling will come back to where it was. It's just been unfortunate coincidence after coincidence.

To keep the disconnect from continuing, barring any other unforeseen event, I think we should make an effort to talk every day like we used to. Part of it is that I do have a need for attention and it does disconnect us a bit when we don't talk.

I really should have posted this earlier but once the internet was back up I wanted to talk to all my friends and everything. I hope you aren't upset I stayed up this late.

What I want in a domme

There are really a lot of things to say about that. I guess the main reason I want a domme is because it feels nice having one. I feel safe, protected, secure, loved, wanted, needed... But as for specific qualities in a domme, I'm not sure I know completely. I've roleplayed all about it before, but it's completely different to experience it yourself. And that's what I've been doing since we started. Experiencing it. I'm not sure what other dommes are like, or what qualities they have that you don't. I don't mean to sound like the only qualities I can think of are ones that you have, but I don't know of many others.

One quality I know for sure is important to me is gentleness. Not leniency, but gentleness. I like soft touches a lot, as I'm sure you've figured out. But I also like to be talked gently to, and things like that. Another thing that I want in a domme is general niceness. I wouldn't want a domme that was mean to me, or hurt me all the time. Something else that is nice to have is a domme that is willing to do things for you sometimes. Like how you pay for my monthly event and buy me food all the time. I want a domme who will help me fix some of the problems I have, like procrastinating and setting schedules for myself.

There are the only things that are coming to mind right now. I'm sure there are more, but it took me over an hour just to come up with those, and nothing else is coming to mind. But for sure those are the things that are most important to me in a domme.

At my mom's

I'm visiting my mom for a day or two so I'll be able to post on the blog until I get back. Hopefully by then the internet will be back on, but I'm not counting on it. I think I'll talk to my brother when I get back, and see what's going on. It's taking a really long time after all.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well I guess. I'm a lot more tired today than usual so I'm posting a bit early. The meeting at the Department of Labor went well. It was more of a self-assessment of my skills than anything though. But they also gave me a bunch of new information that I didn't have before, and I signed up for another program at the Department of Labor. Unfortunately I can't do anything with that program until January, because that's when the next orientation is. Hopefully the one I've been doing won't take quite that long, and I'll have a job before I have to resort to the second program.

I go back to them this Tuesday for a follow-up, and then I get scheduled for weekly job search sessions. Those are only supposed to last an hour, as opposed to lasting all day like the meeting did.

Feeling better, sort of

My stomach seems to have settled since yesterday, but now I have a huge headache. I guess my body just doesn't want me to feel good this week. But I lazed around too much yesterday so I decided to get up. Turns out my brother got a new game yesterday, so I decided to play that a bit with him, and later we watched some TV. It sucks that he'll have to move for his new job. Even if the current offer doesn't hold, he'd have to move for the field he wants anyway. So it's only a matter of time. I'm hoping he's going to at least wait until the end of the school year so my niece can finish the current year with her friends and not have to change in the middle. It would be really stressful for her. I'm going to miss them when they go. I'm pretty close to my brother and his family. And I know my niece is going to miss me a lot. I play with her more than anyone, she says. But I think she only says that because I play with her more roughly. I'll pick her up and swing and sway her and no one else does that.

Boring day

Really, really boring. I pretty much stayed in bed all day chatting with people and didn't do anything at all. Actually I've not been feeling too well today. My stomach has been bothering me quite a bit. I hope I'm not coming down with something. I just know I didn't feel like getting up. I didn't even play any of my games today.

I thought about you a lot today though while I was laying there. I really want everything to start getting better. I want you to get out of the hospital and I want me to get a job, I want my psoriasis to get better and I want to go back to school. Places are starting to do temp placements for the holiday season so I can probably get in on that if worse comes to worst.

I -still- haven't heard from the Department of Labor. I have no idea what's going on with that. I should have gotten a letter from them weeks ago.

Couldn't get a hold of you

I tried calling today but you didn't pick up. I don't want to bother you so I didn't try calling again. I just hate that we're spending so much time apart because of this, and I really hate not knowing when the next time I'm going to see you is. I still haven't been able to fix the ring since I can't go out and buy another cord, but I'm still keeping it in my wallet to make absolutely sure it doesn't get lost somewhere. I worry if I just keep it in my pocket it'll slip out somehow. It happens with my phone a lot, so I can imagine it might with the ring, and I would hate for that to happen.

I talked to my mom today and she's going to get my medicine tomorrow, which is good because tomorrow is when I'm due for my next shot anyway. It's still getting a lot better by the way. Maybe another month before it's gone, or at least mostly gone. That's what I hope at least. The sooner it's better the sooner I'll be able to feel normal in public again.

Hard to believe

I can't believe you're back in the hospital again. I mean I knew I saw the infection there and everything, but I still hate that you already had to go back when you only just got out. I'll try and come visit when I can. Hopefully you won't be in as long as you were last time, and when you get out you'll be feeling a lot better. It's just terrible is all that this all had to happen to you again.

My sleep schedule is all off track again. I tried taking a nap and for some reason my phone didn't wake me up when I wanted it to, so I overslept. Past few hours I've been playing a new online game with one of my online friends, so I guess that's kind of fun.

Maybe if Kathleen's heading out there I can come over tomorrow. I'd like to spend at least a little time with you this week.

Couldn't reach you

I tried calling today but I went straight to voicemail. I guess your phone is dead or off or something. Still I hope you're doing alright, and that everything is getting better. My psoriasis certainly is. I still feel quite a bit on my back though, but I can't really see it to check how bad. I still haven't heard from the Department of Labor, so I'm going to call them tomorrow when I get up. Then later I'll try and reach you again. Pretty sure my dad is going to take me to go vote tomorrow, too. So I guess I have a few things to do.

I hope that I'll be able to come over Wednesday. That's the earliest I can come, I think. Maybe even tomorrow night, if everything is done by then. But at the same time, I'll need to be home to get my medicine this Thursday. So I'm not sure how you'll want to do this. I guess I'll have to get in touch with you for sure.

Unfortunately boring

My brother and his wife were supposed to have a party today. This one would have been more of a party, with some of their friends coming over. We were going to play games and all that, but my brother was sick so they called off the party. I don't know if they're going to try again or not, but it's kind of unfortunate because I get along with all of their friends. On the plus side, all of the candy that was going to be for the party is for everyone to share now. So I'm getting quite a bit of candy, which doesn't happen very often while I'm here.

I spent a lot of time playing my game today. I forgot to sign in, so I hope I didn't miss you. I don't know if you're getting on the computer a lot or not. I'm going to call you tomorrow to see how you're doing, and maybe talk about coming back over on Wednesday. As always it's up to you, but I like staying with you.

Back at my Dad's

The party wasn't as fun as I was expecting. There wasn't much for me to eat there, and I was feeling too tired to be very sociable. It wasn't really much of a party, more of a family get-together for Halloween.

It was nice spending more time with you while I was there, even if it was just a couple days. I can come back any time after Tuesday, and I will probably want to as soon as I can. Even though I don't have as much to do over there, I still prefer it because you're there. I like spending time with you. Laying with you, cuddling, talking, everything. It's very, very nice to be with you.

Didn't hear from you

I tried calling you today but you didn't pick up. I guess you were resting or something. It's a little unusual that you didn't call back though, so I hope everything is alright. I'll try again tomorrow, more than just once.

My psoriasis is getting SO much better. My chest and stomach are only a light pink and the flaking is almost gone. I don't feel any scales on my scalp, and the little scales scattered across my body are getting smaller. I'm really, really happy about it. I'm sure soon I could get a job and not have to worry about trying to hide it.

I hope I can come back over soon! I really like spending time with you. I should fix my sleep schedule though, so I can spend more time with you instead of sleeping. I actually feel kind of bad for sleeping so much over there. It really felt like I didn't spend enough time with you.

Feels like it's been a while

Even though I was only just there yesterday it feels like it's been three or four days since I've seen you. Maybe I'm just off today, I don't know. But it really feels like it's been a while.

I hope I can come back over soon. After all, the only reason I needed to come home at all was because I was due for my next injection. And of course, now I've gotten it so I can come back whenever someone can get me.

I really need to fix my sleep schedule. Even though it's already past 1 I know I'm going to be up for several more hours. It isn't good for me to do this, so I'm going to try and go to sleep a bit early, and wake up early too. Maybe I'll be able to fix it in a day or two.

Going to call tomorrow, no matter what

I've decided that not knowing anything is worse than learning that something bad has happened. So I've decided that I'm going to call tomorrow when I wake up. Maybe give myself a couple minutes to get ready, but not more than that.

I really hope that you're doing okay. If you are then I promise to come see you soon. You're probably lonely in the hospital. I should stay the night again. I'm sure that would do us both some good, getting to see each other again. I probably can't if you're still in the ICU though. But at worst I could at least see you to make us both feel better. And I would love to talk to you.

Didn't call today either

I feel like such a wuss. I feel scared to call and check how you're doing. I want to know for sure that you're okay but I don't want to risk hearing that something bad has happened. I miss you so much. I hate being apart like this for so long. I don't hear from you, I don't see you... It's awful. It doesn't feel right. We've never been out of contact like this before. I mean we've sometimes gone a day or two without talking, but not very often, and never, ever a whole week.

I guess what I hate the most is that it could be weeks before you get out. Weeks before things get back to normal for us.

Back at dad's

I didn't call today either. I guess I'm a little scared of hearing worse news after last time. I'll definitely call tomorrow though.

It's gotten really hard to write these entries lately. My days aren't very interesting and I haven't talked to you in... It's been almost a week. I haven't talked to you at all since Wednesday, and last I heard from Kathleen you were in the ICU... I miss you and I'm really really worried about you. I went back through all my entries since you got in the hospital. Next week and it'll have been a whole month since you went into the hospital. And it feels like forever since I've seen you last. It's one of very few times since we started being together that we've gone that long without seeing each other. I don't like it very much.

Hope you're okay

I really should have called Kathleen so she could tell me how you're doing. I hate thinking that you're in pain. She mentioned that they're keeping you really drugged but I know it probably still hurts

I go back to my dad's tomorrow. My mom went out and bought me some nice clothes for when I have an interview or something like that. Hopefully getting a job won't take much longer. I really hope you don't have to stay there too much longer. I'm sure you're tired of the hospital.

Oh wow

I called you today and I got Kathleen on the phone instead. She said you're in the ICU. I'm really worried now. I hope you're okay right now. She said you're on a ventilator, or you were on one, or something. I'm worried. I don't want anything to happen to you but there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I could come visit. Hopefully Kathleen will call me next time she's going over there so I can see you too.

I went over to my mom's today, before I knew all this was happening. She's not staying though. Instead she's going over to her boyfriend's house, so I'm going to be here by myself. My sister is staying at my dad's while I'm here. The privacy is nice, but I get the feeling that I'm going to be bored a lot of the time.

I really hope you're going to be okay. I hate worrying like this without knowing what's happening. I wish I could see you.

Didn't hear from you

My phone was dead from most of the day so I didn't call. Besides I figure you're still resting from yesterday. I don't want to be a bother. I really miss having the ring. I should have come to the hospital to get it back as soon as I could. Maybe next time Kathleen goes over there I can come with her to get it. It doesn't feel right without it. Even if it's just being in my pocket at least I have it. But right now I don't and I really want it back.

I'm going over to my mom's tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it quite as much as I could because there isn't much there to do without my computer, but I'm bringing my laptop so there won't be nothing. That reminds me I really need to fix my desktop. I need to buy a $40-60 part. I'm not sure exactly how much it is since I haven't looked it up. All the more reason to get a job.

Hope the Surgery went okay

I don't really want to bother you since you're probably resting. I'll call you tomorrow and see how you are. It really sucks that all this had to happen... I wish there was something I could do for you now. But it is nice to know that when you get out I can do a lot. I'll be sure to do anything and everything I can for you. I really, really miss talking to you every day.

It's been another pretty lazy day. My mom called and I'm going to be going over to her house this week. It'll be nice to visit her. I've only gone over to hr house once or twice since I moved to my dad's.

Glad I talked to you

Even if it wasn't for a particularly long time or about anything specific it was really nice talking to you today. I've felt like I haven't gotten to very much lately, even though I stayed with you just before I went to my event. I guess it's because we can't talk every day. It makes me a little lonely I guess. Still I'm glad you're doing alright. I'm sure you're ready to get out of the hospital. I'm definitely going to come visit when you are. What kind of sub would I be if I wasn't there when you needed me?

It feels weird not wearing my ring. I'm not freaking out or anything, because I know it's with you and safe, but every time I feel my chest it's weird not to have the ring there. I need to get another cord so I can start wearing it again, once I get it back.

Not much happening

I didn't hear from you today so I guess you're resting from the surgery. I really hope it went well. If you haven't talked to me by the time you read my blog it would make me very happy to hear from you. I'm going to try and call you when I wake up though. I'll probably eat first.

My psoriasis seems to be getting better and better. I think it will be mostly clear by the end of the month. I'm really happy about that. I'm still waiting on a letter from the Department of Labor. It was supposed to be here by now, but it hasn't arrived so I think I should call them tomorrow too, after I talk to you.

My dad still hasn't hooked up the larger fridge and I'm starting to get really annoyed with him about it. He keeps saying he has to buy some things to set up a place to put it but I think he's just procrastinating, since he's had plenty of time to do it. You let me have it so it would be used, not so it could in the middle of the floor and not do anything. I'm going to bring it up to him tomorrow.

Back from the event

Just got back from the LARP. It was a lot of fun, but really exhausting. Very little sleep along with lots of physical activity. I think the most sleep I got was around five hours Saturday night, from about 3am to 8am. There were a bunch of new people this event; about 10 new faces out of a total of 40 people. Some of them aren't going to come back, but I know some of them will. It's a nice thought that we're becoming a lot more popular. There were a couple of bad points about the event though, neither of them having to do with the event itself. While I was running away from some people I got caught in some high grass filled with thorns. I scratched my legs up pretty badly. And yesterday I got lost in the woods for about an hour, alone, at night. It wasn't very pleasant. But overall it was a good event. It's nice having a monthly get together with almost all my friends in one place. That's always the best part.

I hope you're doing alright. I know your surgery is tomorrow so you'll probably be sleeping all day. I tried calling you tonight but you didn't pick up, so I guess you were resting for it. I hope it goes well.

A bit of a scare

I had a bit of a scare today. The string I was holding the ring on came undone, or snapped or something and I hadn't noticed. It didn't take long to find, since I had only walked a few places in the house, but I had a small panic attack while looking. But it only took about five, maybe ten minutes to find. Still now I don't have anything to tie it around my neck with. I'm not sure what to do about that. I don't exactly have another cord to hang it from, and I can't seem to find any more string. Though I guess the string was a bad idea in the first place, since it broke.

Other than that today was pretty uneventful. My brother and his wife paid me, like I said. Actually I just looked at my Facebook and people have been messaging me constantly telling me that the next event is THIS weekend. I had no idea. It feels like I was just at one. I have the money to go thanks to my brother but I'm not sure about a ride. I need to call some people and figure that out. It's a good thing I checked or I wouldn't have even known it was so soon. Maybe by the time I get back you'll be out of the hospital, too. That'll be very nice. I miss you, you know.

Didn't hear from you

I was a little disappointed that I didn't hear from you, but I figure you needed your rest, so I didn't want to bother you. I found out I'm going to the Vocational Rehabilitation place at the Department of Labor on Wednesday, so they can help me look for a job. Hopefully they actually can! I've waited around too long for a job. It's pressing on me constantly.

I have a little bit of bad news. The cord for my ring broke. The ring itself is fine, but the cord is broken, so I had to replace it with some string so I could keep wearing it. It's kind of itchy so I hope I can get a new cord soon. I don't want to go without wearing the ring though. That's worse than feeling a little tickly at my neck.

Posting Early

I'm still going to be going to bed at midnight tonight and that's why I'm posting the blog now. I thought I would try to call you today but life had other plans I guess. My phone died and it took forever to charge. I figure you're laying down about now, and I don't want to bother you, so I'll just call tomorrow instead. It's fully charged now.

I miss talking to you every day. I hope you're doing better at least. I don't know when you're supposed to get out of the hospital, I guess I'll ask that when I call you.

I need to find another book to read so that I can keep up with the list. I'm sure my brother will have one for me to borrow. I went ahead and had my mom buy me some more vitamins. She was behind the idea so it didn't really take much convincing.

Sleep

I've decided that tomorrow, no matter what I'm doing, I'm going to bed at midnight. I need to fix my sleep schedule. I can't stay up until morning like I have been. It's not alright.

I didn't hear from you today. I know you don't have a computer, but I was thinking maybe you would call to talk to me. I'll call you instead sometime tomorrow. I'm sure you'll appreciate it.

My dad is starting to pressure me about getting a job. I knew he would, since he knows my brother will likely be moving out in a few months. He's right though. I need a job. I can't just do nothing. I'm not going to school or working. I'm just being a bum right now, and that doesn't sit very well with me. I hope once you're out of the hospital we can really, really work towards fixing it. I don't feel good about myself like this.

Hope You're Okay

I only just realized that you won't be able to read these until you get back from the hospital. I hope that's soon. I want everything to be better for you. You've had too much to deal with.

My brother is going to be going to Florida for a job interview around the 20th this month. It's looking very likely that he's going to be getting this job. I don't really know what that's going to mean for my dad. But I need to get myself a job before then, in case I have to stay with him for a while. I think I can understand how you feel when we don't do the cleaning we set out to do, because I feel the same about not looking for a job when we say we're going to. I imagine it's the same feeling at least.

When you get better we should fix both those. We should clean the whole house and find me a job. That way we both can be satisfied. That would be great.

Not on Track

I'm still trying to get my sleep schedule back on track thanks to that full day of sleep I got. It's not working so well if this is the time I'm going to bed. Seems If I try going to sleep at the right time I'll be able to. Or maybe I'll just lay in bed hoping to sleep. Either way, staying up all day doesn't seem to be a very viable option.

Talking to you today made me realize just how much I was missing you. I was a little irratable online, which is rare for me. Not with you I mean, but with my friends on Muffin. And I couldn't figure out why. And then it hit me that I was feeling lonely. Very lonely. Even though my dad was here, I was very lonely because I didn't have you. And we've only been talking passingly for the past couple of days. I don't like it at all.

I hope it's soon that I'll be able to see you again. You didn't say when, but you said Tuesday was the lastest. That made me feel better. But I still wish I knew when for sure.

Not following the list

It's terrible that I don't always do everything on the list. I don't know what to do about the vegetables though, since I can't seem to get a hold of them every day. And even on the days I do, I have to steal them from my brother since my dad doesn't buy vegetables. He's an even pickier eater than I am. But once he gets the fridge set up (he says he will soon) I'll be able to put V8 in there and not have to worry about that problem anymore.

As for yesterday though. I really should have done everything on the list as soon as I got up and started feeling better, even if that was really late. At least I remembered to blog and take my vitamins. It's hard to forget those because they taste really good, and it's the closest thing I have to candy here. Only a few days left of them though. Hopefully I'll see you again before they run out.

My psoriasis is still slowly getting better. Still scaly and flaky, but a whole lot less so. I'm thinking it might be a lot better by next week, or maybe two weeks. I really want it to get better. I know you do too. And it looks like it's finally heading in that direction.

Feeling Sick

I've been feeling amazingly sick today. I haven't gotten out of bed at all, and have been drifting in and out of sleep all day. I think it's because of the injections I got yesterday. I'm feeling a little better now, but it's so late and I don't know if I'll be able to get back to sleep. My phone has been off too, but it doesn't look like you've tried to call me today. I hope you weren't worried about me because you didn't see me online. If I had woken up earlier I would have tried to call you. But I don't want to risk waking you up, even though I know you get up and go back to bed a lot during the night.

On the plus side, my psoriasis has already cleared up a bit thanks to the injections. I don't remember them working this fast before, but I'm sure not going to complain about it. Being sick for a day is worth it to get rid of that stuff.

Procrastination

I certainly do seem to do a lot of it. It's one of my more glaring faults, and one of the reasons I have so much trouble in school. I always tell myself I have plenty of time and there's no need to hurry. But when you couple that with the fact that I tend to forget things, I'll tend to procrastinate about something and then forget about it until someone tells me about it again. Which sometimes doesn't happen.

I don't even know why I procrastinate so much. Most of the time I have nothing else that I should be doing, and yet I'll still procrastinate. Maybe it's just become habitual and I need to break it as a habit. I'm wondering if you were thinking of something specific when you asked me to write about procrastination. I probably didn't touch on it if you did so I'll ask you tomorrow.

Finished Book 2

I finished the second book today. It had little to do with the first one, which seemed to be more of a collection of short stories than anything. Both were fun to read, but the second one had a consistent plot. Kind of a murder mystery book, taking place in the future. It was a good book.

I'm glad I got to stay a couple more hours than we expected. I wish I could have stayed longer, but it's okay. Next time though I DEFINITELY need to look for a job. We've been putting it off every time I've come over there and I don't want to keep procrastinating. Especially since getting a job over there means I can live in that studio even if I don't have a car yet. Once Bud leaves of course. I don't know what I would do until then, but I'm sure we could think of something.

Going to the dermatologist tomorrow. I don't know if he's going to do anything, but we'll see. The more help I get the better.

Finished the Book

I decided to read first tonight as well, and it looks like I got a little more into it than I was expecting. Probably the last three, maybe four hours I've been reading. But I finished the book. It was interesting. It felt more like a prelude than anything else, but that's probably not inaccurate considering there's several more books in the series.

Family got back from Atlanta a little before midnight. We spent some time watching TV before they decided to go to bed. But it was nice seeing them.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I didn't hear from you at all today, and that worried me a little bit. Normally you get on for at least a little while to let me know what's going on. I hope you're doing better. I'll call you tomorrow if I don't hear from you for a long while. I'm sure you were just resting. I hope it helped.

Lonely

It was actually kind of lonely not having you to talk to today. I'm sorry your foot is doing so bad. I hope it feels better by the time you wake up and read this.

I decided to read before blogging this time. Looks like I didn't go to bed early like I had planned. But that's okay. Today is my last day along so I think it's okay to indulge myself just a little bit. They come back tomorrow but they didn't say what time. Hopefully not too early. But at least when they come back I won't be lonely. But I guess no matter what it's a trade-off. If I'm alone I'm lonely, but if I have people around I have no privacy. I can't decide which is better. Guess it depends on my mood.

I get to see you soon, that's always a nice feeling. Still a day off from tomorrow but I'm already looking forward to it. It feels like it's been a lot longer than a weekend since I've seen you. I hope your foot is feeling better by then. And if it isn't, I'll do what I can to help you.

Nothing Different

Every day is the same if you have nothing to do. It kind of sucks, but it's still nice to have time by myself. I can do what I want to without any interruptions.

At first I couldn't decide whether I should blog or read first. But then I decided I should blog first, just in case my brain decided to fall asleep while I was reading. That's happened to me before. Especially since it's late at night. I still plan to read after I finish this entry however. I should have enough energy left for that, considering I haven't done anything at all today.

The pizza I ordered was... mediocre at best. I'm a little disappointed. The sauce was pretty good but the bread was very, very dry. They also didn't give me extra cheese like I wanted. But maybe that's just me complaining. I would have ordered from somewhere else, but if I had I would never hear the end of it from my dad. How the other pizza places are taking their business, or something. No reason to create stress if it can be avoided. But next time I'm sticking with cheese sticks. They seem to get those right every time.

Only one more full day by myself. And then part of Sunday, but I don't know how long. And then Monday I get to see you. I come back Tuesday, and then Wednesday I go to the DoL. And then Thursday I go to the Dermatologist. My week has pretty much been decided for me. But that's not so bad. At least I know what I'm going to be doing.

Fun Visit

It was nice spending the past few days with you. We really should have gone out to look for a job for me, but it can wait until next time. It was really nice that I was able to fall asleep next to you a few times. Even if you were gone when I woke up it still made me feel very happy.

Things are going okay over here. The animals aren't giving me any trouble. I get to sleep on the couch instead of the air mattress, that'll be really nice. It's so much more comfortable there. I was a little disappointed that you didn't log back in later after you logged off. You said you were going to so I was waiting. I'm sure you just got busy and that I'll catch you tomorrow instead. After all, you don't work tomorrow, so I hope to talk to you then.

Companionship

I'm still not completely sure what to write about. I like companionship, certainly. I think you're a great companion. You're smart and funny and a great conversationalist. You make me smile and laugh. You keep me company, cuddle me, hold me, pet me. You do everything you can for my well-being. I think a domme makes a great companion because a domme can always offer honest advice to her sub. You can tell me when I'm in the wrong. It's not like that in most other relationships. You normally have to make the other person feel like they didn't do anything wrong or they hold it against you.

I always enjoy talking to you. You make me think about myself, which is something I don't normally do. You always ask a lot of questions and keep the conversation moving. It makes me a little worried that I'm not nearly as good a companion as you because of how quiet I am. When I get talking sure I have a lot to say, and can offer good advice, but when it comes to conversational speaking I'm a little more lost. Hopefully you don't feel that way, and you think I'm a great companion as well. But I would understand if you didn't.

Had fun

I enjoyed being over there again. Even being punished, it was much better being over there than over here. I like being able to see you.

I'm sorry I left marks on your neck. I didn't mean to. At the very least you really enjoyed it, so I guess that wasn't all bad. It was a fun night for us both.

I didn't actually think I would, but I felt exceptionally submissive when you were being rough with me. I think I would like to try that again. Not necessarily the same thing again, but I would like to try you being a bit rougher with me more often to see how that feels.

Another late night

I have no idea why I'm staying up so late. I don't even know how I'm doing it. I woke up at about 9:30 or so this morning and I'm still up. No nap or anything. I really need to start going to bed earlier than this though. Of course, you already know that. You always know what's best for me.

I'm a little disappointed that I won't be able to talk at all tomorrow, but I will manage. I deserve this punishment so much. I can be so stupid sometimes. But I guess it's a little too late to try and beat myself up over it. You're taking care of the punishment. It's one of those things I don't have to worry about because you're going to handle it. But if I were going to make a suggestion... I'm not sure if not speaking and no computer is enough of a punishment. I don't know what else would be fitting, but I feel like you're letting me off a little too easily. If you don't think I need to be punished more then I'll consider it done. But I still feel bad about what I did. Maybe I'll feel differently while I'm being punished, but as of now, I don't believe it's enough.

Punishments

I can't believe it's already so late. But at least I'm doing the blog earlier than I did last night. I was playing that game with my friend's again and it went a little later than I expected.

The first punishment I remember getting was being restricted from using the computer. I can't remember what it was for, just that I didn't want to make that mistake again. Being restricted from the computer is a big deal for someone that uses it all the time. It's one of the more severe punishments for me. I remember a few times where you said I couldn't have any candy because I forgot to do things for you. That's more of a slap on the wrist for me. I can easily survive without candy, but I do like having it. I remember another time I was punished by not being allowed to wear panties. It's a more psychological punishment than anything else. It doesn't let me be who I want to be, and that can hurt in a deeper way. Recently you've started spanking me as well. I particularly like it as a punishment because it's over with quickly with no lasting consequences. It hurts physically, but it's a lot better than having to carry around a punishment for a while. It's immediately over.

I don't really like being punished, but of course that's the entire point of punishments. I try my best to not make the same mistakes again, and the punishments help engrave that in me. I want to be the best sub I can be, and not just to avoid being punished. I want to be a good sub because I want to please you. And if the road to that is filled with punishment, then that's just how it will be, and I want to do it to become great for you.

I had a nice time

It was nice staying at your house these past few days. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm glad we got to have sex this time. Must mean my psoriasis is getting better. My dad is happy with the new minifridge. It's about twice the size of the old one. He's going to have to find somewhere else to put it before we can use it, but at least we have a larger fridge now.

It's terrible that I can't think of more to put in the blog tonight. I'm actually sick to my stomach and have a terrible headache at the same time. It's making it really hard to come up with a good entry. But I wanted to put something in here today before I went to bed. I hope you understand why I didn't put more.

Coming Tomorrow

I'm so glad I get to come visit you tomorrow. It feels like it's been forever since I have. A week really is too long to be away from you. But once I have a car and a job, I don't think I'll have to wait that long again. I can live in the studio and I can see you every day. I can't imagine how happy that would make me. But I can settle for seeing you every few days for now. I don't particularly like the time spent away, but it isn't completely unbearable either.

I do have to admit I'm a little worried that if you do get stricter with me, that I'll feel like I need to be around you more. Normally that would be a good thing, but if I can't see you every day it might be frustrating. I just need to hurry up and get a job so we can be closer more often. I would really like that.

Clean Slate

It's rather nice to know that all the mistakes I've been making don't apply anymore. I know I've made a lot. There isn't much else I can do about them besides promising to do better from now on. So that's what I'm going to do. I promise to do better. I promise to try and not make the same mistakes again. I want you to be pleased with me. I want you to be proud of me. I'm especially happy that you think I'm worthy of giving a clean slate to. Even if I made mistakes, that means I couldn't have done all wrong.

I'm looking forward to coming over Tuesday. I feel a little cheated that I couldn't come over this past weekend though. Not by you of course, just by fate I guess. The time I get with you is special and I hate being deprived of it. But I can manage until Tuesday. I won't die of Domme deprivation before that.

Disappointed

I'm sure you could tell I was really disappointed that I couldn't come over today. I didn't mean to keep sighing in your ear but I kept thinking about how much I'd rather be over there with you than here. Plus who knows how long it will take to get the car fixed. I wish I had my own so I could come visit. It's not fair that I can't be with you more often. I want to fix this as soon as possible. I want to get my own car, and I want to visit you all the time. I want to move into that Studio so I never have to be too far away from you.

I hope that you can get the Lexus fixed quickly. The sooner it's fixed the sooner I can come over. It really bothers me that I don't know when the next time I can see you is. I think I understand how easy it must be for you to freak out when you can't reach me, because I'm doing a little bit of that. I want to see you again, or at least know how long it will be before I can.

Up Too Late

I've stayed up far too long playing that game. We only just stopped playing at 4am. I really should have quit long before, but I didn't. That was dumb. I'm going to pay for it tomorrow since I'm going to be waking up for you to come get me. Speaking of that, I'm really looking forward to it. I always love getting to come visit you. Even if it wasn't my fault I still feel responsible for making you worried. I'm sorry you were so worried because you couldn't reach me. I should have tried harder to contact you. Maybe use one of my family member's cell phones. Something.

My mom brought the prescriptions to me today. No immediate magical effect, but I'm sure after a week or two, it'll start looking better. As long as I keep using it every day.

My body is telling my brain that I should stop trying to blog tonight and just go to sleep. I feel like I got some things down already so I think I'm going to listen to it. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it.

Decent Day

I hope the topical agents from the dermatologist will help me. The more medicine I can use to control the psoriasis the better. I really don't have anything to talk about this time. I looked at the list, and I did do my hair today. I took my vitamins, ate a vegetable, used the oral rinse... Everything.

I talked to my dad today. I mentioned the minifridge, and he was definitely interested. I'd like to bring it next time I go to your house.

Just Random Thoughts

There's nothing particularly pressing on my mind so I'm going to write about whatever comes to mind. Probably won't turn out too well, but we'll see.

These are the things I'm glad about. I'm glad that you let me get that chocolate for my sister. She really appreciated it. So did my sister in law, and my brother, and my niece. Pretty much everyone got a piece and really liked it. I'm glad I was able to get your headlight to work. Now you can drive late and not have to worry about getting a ticket or something. Plus I got to show you that I'm good at figuring things out even if I have no idea where to start. I'm also glad that your debit card works. It's no good to use your credit card for everything. It causes a lot of problems. Besides it's usable in more places.

These are the things I'm upset about. I'm upset we didn't get to have sex because of my psoriasis. It's terrible that we have to deal with that constantly. And it's terrible I can't give you what you want because of it. I'm upset that I don't have a job yet. That needs to change soon. I need a job with benefits so that I can treat problem 1.

I guess that's really all there is to talk about this time. I took my vitamins and I had the V8 while I was at your house. I did my hair, and I'll do it tomorrow too. I didn't get a list in my email so I guess you haven't sent it. But I'm waiting for it so that I can finally be sure every day that I did everything I was supposed to.

Trust

It's a funny little thing isn't it? So important to everything. And it's really obvious when it's not there. You could tell there was something different, even when I couldn't. I'm glad we were able to figure out exactly what was wrong. Now that I see it I can work to be better. I can go back to being submissive because I know everything will be taken care of. I felt my submissiveness coming back as I was talking to you earlier. I was a little upset that we didn't get to talk later though. You didn't text me back when I told you he was here, or when I said he was gone. It said you were online but you didn't respond. I'm hoping you aren't mad at me, but I think if you were you would have told me, so I'll try not to worry about it.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow so we can talk about all of this. I definitely feel a lot better about where we're going after talking today. I know I don't need to feel defensive with you. And now that I know that's what I've been doing, I promise you that I'll stop.

About Earlier

I was really frustrated earlier. I felt annoyed with myself because I forgot something else. Because I keep making little mistakes like that. It frustrated me because I didn't know how to fix it. I knew you wanted me to do something or you wouldn't have kept talking about it so seriously, but I didn't know what. I didn't know what to say, so I apologized. But that's not what you wanted. And after that I ran out of ideas. But it wasn't over because we kept talking about it, but I still didn't know what to do. I kept getting more and more frustrated because of it because I wanted to make it right but I didn't know how. And then you explained it to me and it was okay after that.

It wouldn't be such a big deal to me if I wasn't so worried about making you disappointed. I don't want to do anything wrong. I hate knowing that you're disappointed because of something I did. Even if you weren't this time, it still felt like you were at the time.

I hope that helps you make some sense of why I was so frustrated. Even if it wasn't a good reason.

Where are You?

I thought it was bad yesterday only being able to talk to you once. I wasn't able to reach you at all yesterday. I didn't see you log in and you didn't answer your phone. I'm worried. The only time you did this before was when I did something wrong. I don't know if you're doing it on purpose or not, and if you are, I don't know what I did wrong. I need to know because it's terrible not knowing if I did something wrong or not. I really hope I didn't and I guess for now that's all I can do.

I masturbated for the first time in several weeks today. Usually you were asking for sex often enough that I didn't need to, but now that I'm away again I have to do it myself. It's a different feeling than sex, for sure. But not better or worse I don't think. I guess I had forgotten what relaxing by yourself felt like. I miss our time together though. Maybe when you get back we can go out or something. We don't have to go to your house. We can just stay out all day and go shopping or something.

I still haven't heard anything about the job at Candler. I'm thinking I should start looking for another job, at the very least while I wait for a response at this one. I can't really afford to just wait for this one, especially if it isn't guaranteed. Maybe Parker's, or somewhere like that. I'm not too picky as long as I'm not working fast food, or construction work or something like that.

I'm doing alright though. I hope you're having a fun time in Texas. I had some lettuce on a chicken sandwich today. I took my vitamins, and I remembered to do my hair.

I Miss You

I guess I was gone too long and you had already gone to sleep. I really miss being near you. It's like something is missing from my life. Actually it's not even LIKE something is missing. Something IS missing from my life. Nothing in my life is as fulfilling as my time with you. I feel empty and alone without you. I hope when you get back from Texas I can come visit you, even if I can't stay for days on end like I have been. Even if it's just for a little while I want to see you. I don't really have anything to talk about but I wanted you to know how much I missed you. I've been thinking about you all day. I'm going to try and call you tomorrow. I hope when I do you're not busy so we can talk for a long time. My mom bought me more minutes, so we can talk and talk and talk. I'm looking forward to it.

Lazy Day

Today was really... boring. I'm missing my time with you more and more. I played games all day, and did a couple of chores for my sister before my brother and his family got back. I didn't get to talk to you as much as I wanted. By the time I got back from greeting my brother you were already gone. And when I saw you message me later, you didn't respond. I was a little sad, but I guess you were busy. It sounded like you were having fun over in Texas so I was glad about that.

I hope we get to talk more tomorrow than we did today. I've missed you and talking to you so little just made me miss you more. I took my vitamins and I had another carrot from my brother's fridge. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting. I hope I have something to do. Maybe you could give me some things to do? If you can think of anything. It might help me feel more submissive while you're gone if I do things for you, plus it will keep me occupied. Just something to think about.

Staying at Home

I don't like staying at home as much anymore. Not just because I miss you. I feel like there isn't anything for me to do here. At your house I can always find something to do. I can spend time with you, or watch TV, or play games, or sometimes chores. And you keep me very well fed, which is so much more than I can say about staying here. There is no TV to watch and you're not here. The only things I have to do over here are chores and playing on the computer. It's fun and all, but sometimes I would like to do something else instead of playing on the computer for hours and hours on end. At your house I don't even feel compelled to be on the computer. I have better things I could be doing. But I don't feel like that here. And I hate it. I hate that the only thing worth my time while I'm here is sitting at the computer.

What a Day

I'm probably not in the bloggiest of moods right now. But especially in a time like this I want to show you I'm thinking of you, and that what you say is still important to me.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable being around Kathleen anymore. Regardless of what she was planning, that was traumatic. I've never, ever had my life threatened like that before. Ever. I've never felt my safety was in so much danger that I immediately had to call the police. I've in fact never called the police on a person before in my life. I gave a lot of information over the phone with the operator. Whether I asked them not to file a report or not, they have the information to, and I think they're going to. With the cop telling me it's for my safety.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I screwed up. Like I should have done something different. Anything at all, that would have kept this from happening the way it did. I should have just gone back to your house without a word. Or maybe I should have made my intentions more clear, that I just wanted to spend some more time with my friends. Maybe then it wouldn't have made you upset, and in turn make her upset. I could have done things differently that would have made things happen differently. Or that I shouldn't have called the cops. That I could have just trusted that things would be handled by you. I don't know what I should of done, or even what I could have done.

I don't feel safe around her. And I don't know what that means for us. I don't know how it can work if I'm genuinely afraid of her. Even if it was just a moment of weakness, of emotional distress, who's to say that she won't have another? And maybe the next time it won't stop? What if she goes through with it? There's such a big difference between her simply not liking me and being so utterly terrified of her. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if I even CAN handle this.

I just want to scream. This is so unfair.

Forgetting to Blog

I hate it when I forget to blog. I've gotten in trouble for it too many times. I'm glad that when it's not my fault you reflect that. I never mean to make mistakes, and I always want to make up for them. Whether through punishment or like I did for last night's missed blog, do something to make up for it.

It's so rare that I just pass out like that. Especially while sitting up. I don't remember laying down or anything at all. Just sitting down, and then waking up. I remembered about the blog as soon as I woke up, so I got breakfast, and then started thinking of what to blog about. And I blogged as soon as I could. I was a worried that you would be upset with me for not doing it last night. But I guess everything's worked out. And not only that, I get to see you Friday! I'm really looking forward to that. I'll try and keep this from happening again in the future.

I have a question though. Would it be okay if I started blogging in the mornings instead of in the evenings? That way I wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep before doing it anymore. Let me know what you think.

Yours

I wanted to talk about why I'm yours. What makes me yours. I don't think I ever completely explained it, and you've said you don't ever assume I'm still yours.

I'm yours because of the feelings you give me. Not just that you're nice to me, or you hold me when I want it. But all the time that I'm with you, I feel as though... there's nothing to worry about. That if something bad happens, you'll be right there to help. Making you smile makes me smile. I can't seem to do anything else when I see you smiling. I have to smile back. I always feel that you're so much more than me. That you don't make any mistakes, and that you would always do what's best for me. Even when I'm being punished, I know it's for my own good. So that I won't make the mistake again.

I always think about you when I go to sleep. When I'm laying alone it feels like you're missing. That you should be right there with me, holding me as I fall asleep. I feel protected, and cherished. I feel wanted. I can be myself around you, in every way I've never been able to. You teach me new things, and try to make me better. You understand when I make mistakes, and you never hold it against me. You make me feel pretty, which is something I've never seen in myself before. You pet me, and hold me, and kiss me. I feel special with you. I want to be the best sub in the world, so that I can make you the happiest domme.

Moving In

I know I just did a blog post about this, but my mind is still dwelling on the thought of me coming to live with you. I could do it as soon as I got a job. I would pay you rent, go to work, and come home. I could show you I'm yours every day and all day. And I would never have to worry about anything ever again, because I would have you to take care of me. I would probably want to live in the studio after some thoughts on it. So that I would be able to have some time by myself, which is important to me. Besides, if I moved into your house, I would try to hang off you all day every day, which I'm sure K and A wouldn't like much.

I feel bad we couldn't think of anything to talk about earlier today. My day had been so boring and you seemed kind of upset. I'm planning on setting off on an epic adventure tomorrow, by which I mean clean the house. I'll probably be done by the time you're home from work, but we'll see. Sometimes you don't know how much work there is to do until you try to do it all. Which reminds me, my brother is out of town for the next week and a half. Which means I can call you from his house phone without me having to use my minutes. That'll be nice. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. I think I would like that.

Hope this entry wasn't terribly boring! I wasn't sure what to blog about, so I went with what was most on my mind. Hope to hear from you very soon!

Living with You

I got a little taste of living with you the past couple of weeks. I really, really liked it after getting over the initial awkwardness of staying for so long. I liked it so much that I didn't want to leave. And I hope once I do get a job and a car I can move in for good. Or at least to the studio outside, if not into the house proper. After all that might be a bit too much for Kathleen. I had a lot of fun and I felt like I was able to be myself all the time. I never had to hide anything, and I was so happy. I was with someone who cares about me, and who I care about back. I felt cherished 100% of the time. And that's not something most people can say; even people who live with their lovers can't usually say that. It's just the perfect feeling. I can be with you all the time. I can do things for you, and show you what makes me yours. I can laugh with you, smile, and cry with you without you ever judging me. You're always there, and you're always giving me the attention I need.

Maybe soon it won't have to end, and I can feel like that all the time. It's the most special feeling anyone could ever feel.

Thank you so much Miss Yana. I can't say it enough, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you for being you.

Introducing BDSM

I have to admit at first, I was a little scared of introducing BDSM. Mostly because it's not something I've ever done before, and of course getting hurt is a good reason to be nervous. But after trying it out a bit I feel more confident about it. The ball gag isn't going to kill me and neither is the flogger. And I trust you. That's the most important part, at least for me. You aren't going to leave welts or anything. Of course I'm still a little nervous, because we've never done it before. But I'm ready for it now. I'm yours, and you can use me however you want.

Hurting You

I was very upset with myself that I hurt you. That I had a moment of doubt. That even for a split second, I wasn't sure if I was completely yours anymore. Even if it was a brief moment, it's almost inexcusable in my mind. I'm supposed to know I'm yours. To feel yours all the time, no matter what. But when you told me to take the ring off... I couldn't. And even just having it suggested made my eyes water. And right then I knew I was yours. That I can't be anyone else's. And how distraught and lost I would be if I wasn't. I need to be yours. I don't just need to sub, I need to be your sub.

I can't believe I'm going to suggest this, especially since you didn't... But I feel as though I should be punished for having doubts like that. I don't know what kind of punishment, how severe, or anything. But it was wrong of me to doubt everything we've worked for and all you've given me. Even if it was a moment of emotional distress, it doesn't matter because I still had those feelings, and I never should. This is my apology to you, and acceptance of any punishment you find reasonable.

Slave Essay

Well I do like a few things in the essay. I really like the idea of being taken care of. Someone who's always above me. But I think... Probably what I liked most in the essay, when thinking about you specifically. I want to learn about your needs and wants. I want to cater to you. Not just physically, but mentally too. I want to make myself be for you. Even if I'm doing something I don't like, it's for you. And as long as it's making you happy in some way, it makes me happy too.

What I don't like, though, is not being appreciated. When I do something good, I like to be told so. Hearing nothing is almost as bad as being punished. It tells me one of two things. Either I didn't do something good enough to be noticed, or what I did didn't matter. And I don't like either of things. Even if it's not meant that way. Being neglected hurts. But you don't do that. You've never not praised me when I do something good and that makes me happy. And I hope you always do.

The past week

Wow what a week. It was really nice though, spending that much time with you. And I don't feel burnt out or anything at all. In fact I'm looking forward to next time I see you already. I'm not sure what I liked most about this week though, other than just the fact that I spent so much time with you. I really liked cuddling, but you know that already. But it's not all that important what I liked most. I was really happy while I was there. I hope I can come back over again soon.

Your Life

I'm not the cause of stress in your life because I'm yours. Anything that happens, it happens because I'm yours. You tell me to do something, and I do it. That means anything happens because of you, not me. The only thing that happens because of me is my submission. And more importantly, I can't claim responsibility for something that's your fault. That's a form of protecting you. And I can't do that. You protect you. And you protect me, because I'm yours. I can't be worrying about things in your life. It's not my right or my responsibility.

Truth

I wish it was easier for me to be completely honest. To not worry about your feelings. Especially knowing that I'll probably have to say things that won't be so nice. It's even a bit scary. I hate not being nice. It's like... giving up something I worked really hard to get. Because there was a point in time where I didn't know how to empathize with people. I didn't understand that I could say things that would hurt people's feelings. Or rather, I didn't know how to tell when I was going to. I would come out and say whatever I was thinking with no filter. I had to go to a therapist to teach me how to censor what I say. How to make bad things sound nicer, or when lying is okay. Or when not to say anything at all. I worked hard to learn that skill. To get that filter that most people seem to be born with. It's scary for me to take it down.

I'm not asking for you to let me not be honest, though. I know it's important to you, and to our relationship. I just wanted you to know why it's so hard for me. But I promise I'm going to stick to my word. I'm going to be 100% honest from now on. If I can't do that, then I can't be yours.

Problems?

I've had a while to think about it, but I can't really think of any problems I've had with you, or how you do things. I'm happy when I'm around you, and I'm happy with how you treat me. In fact I don't think I could be happier about it. You treat me so nicely and with so much patience. You understand me. This is probably going to be a very short entry, but I know I'm supposed to put something. So I just want to say I wouldn't change anything about how you treat me, even if I had the chance.

Roleplaying

Roleplaying it a lot of fun for me. It's also a bit difficult. To me, roleplaying is more than pretending. When I roleplay, I don't just do what my character would. In my mind, I feel like I am my character. I think how they think. I feel how they feel. If my character starts crying, sometimes I'll start crying. And I do all of this without even thinking about it. For the time I'm roleplaying, I really am my character. That's why I make such a big distinction between cybering and roleplaying. With cybering you're just saying things with the sole intention of getting yourself, and/or your partner to come. And it is fun. But it's a different kind of fun than roleplaying. Even in sexual roleplaying, part of the fun comes from getting into the mind of your character. Thinking how they think. Becoming them for a moment, and understanding how they should react. And then reacting. I roleplay with that mindset in all of my roleplaying. Whether it's D&D, LARPing, or Muffin. I have to understand my character and 'become' them to have fun. Otherwise it has no depth.

I don't know why you asked me to write about my role as a sub in the same blog post, though. It's a role, yes. But it isn't me playing a role. Being a sub is my role. It's part of who I am. I'm a sub because that's who I am. I want to make people happy. I especially want to make you happy. I wouldn't be myself if I didn't have the desire to submit.

Punishment

No one likes being punished. If they like a punishment, it wouldn't be a punishment. I'm no different than anyone else when it comes to that. I really hate that I asked you to change a punishment you set for me. Because I know it was supposed to hurt. And I know it was going to. It's just... I've already gone almost three weeks without seeing you. That in itself felt like punishment. And I was looking forward to seeing you with all my heart, and you telling me that you would be taking those days away... It just really hurt. Not just a little hurt but I felt incredibly broken by that. I could have lived with not seeing you if it were because of something else, but... I was being denied by you. And I guess I couldn't handle that. I really was almost crying just from thinking about it. I have a really sensitive heart... And I understand that I need to be punished when I do something wrong. But it's hard to handle being hurt emotionally.

It really, really scared me when you said it was possible for the relationship to end because of this... Because of my mistake. I don't know what I would do if I lost this because I didn't do something... Because I forgot something important. It's even worse that I've done it multiple times now... I want to be able to make it up to you but I don't know how I can. Making up the blog entries doesn't mean anything. I want to do something meaningful and special that will make up for the times I make mistakes. I want to be a good girl. A good sub. But it really scares me that I might not be good enough for you. That I make so many mistakes that you won't let me be yours anymore... Because I know I make a lot. I forget things. I'll forget the same thing multiple times even... And I hate that. Especially when I know they're important. Blogging is important to me too. I've never had a place where I could be open like I am on here.

I just really, really hope I'm good enough for you... I want to be... I'm trying to be. And it's really frightening to know just how easily I could lose this relationship... I don't want that to happen. I'm going to do everything I can to keep it from happening. It's too special, and too important to me for me to lose it over something like this... I'm your sub. I don't think I could be anyone else's...

So Ready to Come Home

I get to go home tomorrow! I made $30 from working yesterday which is plenty for me. He says he's going to give me another $30 or $50 whenever he gets the money. He had a bill he had to pay and couldn't give the full amount immediately. But the $30 is enough for me, at least for now.

I'm really missing you right now. And I'm really glad i get to see you soon. I'm really sorry I forgot to blog last night but I'm really, really hoping that doing it this morning will make up for it. This won't happen when I'm home and can set an alarm to remind myself. And besides I've had enough of Florida. It's hot, it's humid... Though admittedly Georgia is like that too. But I'm not at home here. I want to come home and relax. I want to come be with you, especially. It won't be long now. Then I'll be home, and a little longer and I'll be with you. I'm really excited about this weekend. I've missed you so much!

Submission and Initiative

There's a pretty big difference between me wanting to do something and you telling me to do it. Obviously when you tell me to do something, I want to do it because you told me to. But me wanting to do something on my own... All that means is it's something I want. Firstly that means it's less important to me than what you tell me to. Because when you tell me I can't do something, or I have to do something, I won't always want to. But my desire to obey you exceeds that. So you can tell me to do something I don't necessarily want, and I'll still do it. To certain limits of course.

But again it's different when I want to do something for you on my own. To me at least, it's a lot more meaningful. It means that's where my heart is, and not just you telling me where my heart is. I like having my own wants beyond what's asked of me. It makes my devotion to you much more important and meaningful, because I'm putting you above myself. Whereas otherwise I wouldn't have anything to put you above. You would be at the top because there's nothing to compete with.

I guess the easiest example of this is you telling me I can't roleplay for a while. Of course my desire to roleplay still exists. If it didn't, it wouldn't be a punishment. But I still do it because I want to obey. But when I want to do something on my own, it's means everything. Like when I sat at your feet. I didn't just do that because you said you would like it. I wanted to. I wanted to be there, so that's where I went. And I felt so happy being there. And it was special to me because I wanted it.

It might just be that I like things more when it's something I want. It could really be just that simple. Of course, sometimes I do want things that are just done for me. Like a blowjob, or being fucked... Or getting tied up, or being kissed. But those are things I want too. Even if it's things I want done to me, it's still things I want. And there are things that I want to do. I want to sit at your feet, I want to kiss your neck, and your breasts... I want to make you come in every way I can. I want to make you happy, and I want to bring you coffee. I want to make you proud of me.

But sometimes it's okay for things to happen that I don't want, if it helps towards something I do. Above all, I am your sub. And if I have to do things I don't want to make you happy, I can deal with that. And do them with a smile. I don't need more of a reason than that. The only reason I need is that I'm yours in every way.

Feeling Pretty Good

I woke up with my arms both not hurting for the first time in a couple of days. That was the first thing that told me today was going to be a good day. My shoulders stopped blistering overnight. All the blisters that were there were just gone when I woke up. Not popped or anything, just gone. Healed in one night. That put me in such a good mood. The only downside is my skin is finally starting to peel from the sunburn. But that'll go away soon enough.

Wednesday I'm going to go do some work for my uncle, and he's going to give me some money for it. I think we're clearing out an office or something. There's some heavy lifting involved and he's got trouble with his knees, so he's having me, my cousin, and one of his friends help out for some money. It'll probably be an all day thing but it's worth it. I need some money, even if it isn't much. Not really expecting more than 10 or 20, but we'll see!

I'm definitely feeling homesick by now. I've been away for a week now. Way too long to be away from home. And I really miss you. Is there any chance I can come visit you when I get back Thursday? Or this Friday? Or you come visit me? I would really like to see you again. I hope you feel the same.

6-27. Not much fun

I know I normally talk about D/s in this blog but I haven't been feeling too well today, and my mind isn't really anywhere near thinking about D/s. I've been frustrated and stressed and upset all day because I'm in constant pain. My skin is blistering and I'm just in general not feeling too terribly happy.

I feel like I was kind of snappy on the phone when I wasn't really meaning to be. I don't feel very proud of myself right now. I'm upset I messed up again and that I don't seem to be getting any better. I'm upset that I didn't feel submissive when I was talking to you tonight, especially since I like how that feels. I'm uspet that this sunburn isn't gone yet and it still hurts.

Is it wrong for me to not feel submissive all the time? To be so upset with things that are happening around me that I can't focus on what I want? It feels wrong to me. I don't want to think that I can get so stressed that I stop being myself. I thought that part of me was gone. The little kid inside that kicks and screams when things aren't going his way. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do.

I'm feeling a lot more like myself after writing this though. And I'm really starting to miss you. I want to be with you right now and just be held... I want someone to take care of me. I want to relax. I want to smile. And not a fake smile that anyone can put on, but a real smile. The kind of smile I've only felt at your feet. I feel like I'm out of place. I feel like I'm not where I need to be. I feel stressed, and lonely, and that there's no one for me to share my feelings with. Even though I can talk to you I miss you.

I barely know what I'm typing anymore. I'm just putting down whatever comes to mind. But the only thing that I want right now is to come back. I miss being home, I miss not having to deal with drugs, I miss having time to myself, but I especially miss you. I want to come home. I want to relax with you, and you to tell me that everything will be alright. That I don't have to worry about anything. That I can just be myself, and be happy. I miss that feeling the most. Not having to worry, that you're there, and that nothing else matters.

Thursday can't come quick enough.

The Ring

When you first gave me the ring, to be honest I didn't expect it to mean too much to me. I knew it would symbolize what I am to you, but I didn't expect it to be much more than a symbol. But it does. It feels wrong to take it off, even when I need to. Like to take a shower, or to get in the pool. It's even a habit for me to hold onto it when I'm masturbating now. I'll stare at it, twirl it in my fingers, and just smile. It makes me feel like I'm a little closer to you. And it definitely makes me feel like I'm yours. I wear it all day, and I even sleep with it on now. It means more to me than just what it symbolizes. It's a gift from you. It's a part of me. It's special, and I'll cherish it forever.

In a Year

Where do I see us in a year? I really don't know. It's not something I've thought about before. I feel like we would still be together in that time. But to where exactly our relationship would go... I don't know. There's not really any way to know something far off like that... I know I would be a lot more comfortable around you. I would want to make you proud of me, and happy with me. But that's something I want now. I guess I'm not completely sure of it because I've never been in this kind of relationship before. And roleplay can't tell me where it would go in a year's time, because it's all one-off scenes. Never anything that really lasts for that long. The only thing I'm sure of, though, is that in a year's time, I see myself at your feet. Happy. Yes, I want sex. It would make me very happy. But that's not all I want. I would be happy with you without it, even if I was a little disappointed. I came into the relationship not expecting anything sexual at all. But it does make me very happy that you think of me in that way too. Maybe in a year we would be doing those sorts of things. It would make me happy, that I could be yours in that way too. I want to be yours completely. And I feel that in a year, I would be.

Talking Today

I found out today that I really, really don't like being scolded. I felt so bad that I did something wrong, that made you unhappy. I started tearing up when I was being scolded. That you were so disappointed in me, because of something that was completely my fault. That I could have easily prevented. That there wasn't any good reason for me not to have prevented. Everything hit me all at once. How much it would hurt me to lose what we have, and how much I want to sub for you. I hate that I did something that disappointed you so much. But at the same time, after I was done being scolded and you forgave me, I realize that it also means a lot to me that you care so much for me. You wouldn't have been so upset if I wasn't important to you. And that makes me really happy...

And of course, now I'm yours. I feel yours. I know I'm yours. And I want to be yours. I hate that the only way I can show it is in words right now, but I am. It feels like I would do anything to make you happy. Even things I don't want to do, I would do as long as it was for you. I miss you though. I want to be with you right now so that I can prove I'm yours. I don't know how I would prove it, and really it doesn't matter to me how. If it means that I can show you what you mean to me, and what I am to you, I would. That's why I can masturbate in front of you. I don't think I could do that for anyone else... It's such a private thing, and it makes me feel more vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life... but I'm showing that side to you, and that makes it okay. Because I'm yours.

Role of a Sub

A sub's role isn't terribly complex. It's more than just doing what you're told, though. That's what a slave does. A sub's role is to make their Domme happy. At least, that's what I think. Serving a Domme is more about making them happy than it is doing what you're told. Sometimes it's more submissive to do something without being asked than to be told. To just know what your Domme wants. There are a few things I could do to take initiative. Sitting at your feet like I did comes to mind. Or making you coffee like you were talking about. Of course I'm not completely sure what kinds of things you would want me to do. But once I know what you appreciate I can see myself doing things for you without you having to say anything.

Lately I've been thinking about being with you a lot. What we do together, and what I can do for you. And what you've been doing with me. Especially after the sexual part of our relationship came up. I really like being pet. But altogether I really like being with you, and feeling like I'm yours.

I think right now I'm going to be a bit passive. At the very least until I know what kinds of things I can do for you. I'll try and do things on my own whenever I can, but it'll take some more getting to know you, and your likes and needs before I can do too much.

My Weekend

Wow, what a weekend. Staying over at your house was so much fun. I wish we could have had more time alone, but there's really nothing to do about that. Everything about this past weekend was so great, with a few surprises I didn't expect. For one I had no idea a sexual part of our relationship was going to come up. That was very unexpected but just as nice, even if it was just me masturbating.

But that wasn't the best part about the weekend. Besides just being with you, the most memorable thing that happened was when I sat at your feet, and you started petting and massaging me. It made me feel... so different. I wanted to tell you then but I was a little shy. But it made me feel like... I was yours. Completely and wholly yours. I've never, ever felt that way before. And it was so nice. Nothing mattered to me right then except being right there with you. I've never felt happier.

There were a few low points while I was there. Like your daughter (I don't like using real names on the internet) storming out like she did. And the window blowing out wasn't very pleasant either. But nothing that outweighed the good that happened. I'm very, very happy with how my stay turned out, and I'm really looking forward to when I can do it again.

Being Submissive

To me, being submissive comes very naturally. In my normal life I'm always trying to help people, and I do what I'm told. I don't necessarily submit to them, but it makes me happy when I'm able to make someone else happy. Whether it's something like lending my time to listen to their problems, or helping do chores, or anything simple like that. I wouldn't do -anything- for -anyone-, but small things for friends I'll always do. Of course with you it's different. I may not know what my limits are, but I trust you more than I trust anyone else. I'm willing to do more than just simple things. I can't think of any specific examples, but I guess that's because you haven't asked very much of me yet. I would clean your house or something, of course. But that's getting off topic.

Being submissive is something I don't really even think about. It's just something I am. But at the same time, I like the fact that I am. It means I can be happy just by making others happy. I don't know if that's typical for submissives or not. I'm not really happy by just taking orders and doing as I'm told, though of course that does come with its own sense of gratification. I'm happy that I can make other people be happy by what I do. And that's what being submissive is to me.

Roleplaying experience

Wow, where to begin. I've been roleplaying for a very long time and it's almost impossible to pick out any favorites... I've been roleplaying since I was 12, and have been doing D/s roleplay since I was 14. Ever since the beginning I roleplayed a sub. Of course back then it was only about the sex, and nothing else. But you didn't ask me to blog about the history of me roleplaying. You wanted to know what my favorite experience was.

Well my favorite would have to be the time I spent roleplaying with a Mistress online named Suntie. I met her through another submissive friend when I was 16 or so, and we did scenes frequently until I was 18. I roleplayed a mute girl with a playful streak. She would play pranks on her Mistress, and would be punished for it. Very sexual punishment, of course. To the point you can hardly call it punishment. She would spank my character, Atrania. Tie her up, and tease her sexually. Sometimes this would go on for hours before Suntie decided that it was enough punishment, and finally let Atrania orgasm. Of course it varied every time we played, and sometimes it wouldn't even be Atrania getting in trouble. Sometimes Atrania was a very sweet, shy, submissive girl who would do anything for her Mistress. Those were just as fun to me. I loved roleplaying with Suntie. But one day she just stopped showing up, and that was the end.

And your other question was... specific turn-ons. Well I have quite a few really. In roleplay, I really like partners that can shapeshift. Specifically, making themselves partially liquid, to mold around my character's body, and touch her all over all at once. Another thing I really enjoy is... well. Girls orgasming... Not just roleplaying, I enjoy watching videos of girls masturbating and all, too. I also like being tied up a little bit. Not a lot. Very light bondage. I've only done it in roleplay, but I get the feeling that I would enjoy it in real life too.

I can't seem to think of anything else at the moment. But if I do, I'll be sure to let you know what else I come up with.

First Meeting

Wow. When we first decided to meet I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous, and maybe even a little scared. I had never met someone that I first talked to on the internet before. And I knew that it would have to come obviously, or I would never be able to submit myself. But after today's meeting, even if it was just for breakfast I feel so much better. I feel reassured about my position as a sub, and yours as a domme. And more important, I feel as though I can trust you. It was a little scary at first to talk to you, but after the initial shock wore off I found it very easy to talk to you. I didn't use Ma'am as much as I wanted to, or should have, but I guess I was too busy trying to keep myself from fainting. I really felt like my head was going to explode! I don't know how much of the blushing you saw but it sure felt like a lot.

The important thing is that I felt very comfortable with that first meeting. Much more than I was expecting, even. I feel like I can trust you. That I can be my true female self without any consequence. I only worried once about seeming too shy around you, but you comforted me about it. You told me to be myself, even if that means being quiet.

I know it was only our first meeting but I have a good feeling about where this is going. And I would like to make a suggestion for the next time we go out together. Just as something to think about. Maybe we can spend a little more time than just going out to eat? I would really like to go to a clothes store with you. If for no other reason, than because I would like to have something nice to wear whenever we're alone for the first time. And it would make it even more special to me if you were the one to pick it out. So... if you like the idea, maybe you would want to think about it beforehand. But if you don't that's okay. I just hope you don't think it's too early for me to be thinking like this. I don't want to seem too weird after all. Which is why I was so nervous leaving... I felt inside that I wanted to hug you goodbye, but I wasn't sure if it was okay. Too late now, but maybe you can tell me for next time? I don't know how okay you are with closeness like that, especially with me, who you only just met.

Wow this turned out to be a really long post. I'm hoping I'm not revealing too much at once. And I think this time I'm going to end on a few questions for you, since you told me I was supposed to post them here as well. If you were to judge my personality today, how much of it would you say was a male personality, and how much a female? Were you comfortable around me? Can you see yourself dominating me? Once we get to that level, what kinds of things would you like to try first? And lastly... Did you find me attractive? In a feminine sense?

Being Female

I know there were two things I was supposed to talk about in the blog today but I can only remember one. I'm sorry.

There isn't as much of a difference between roleplaying as a female and actually being one. Or at least being one as much as someone like me can be. When I roleplay I'm looking inside myself, and exploring what I would do in certain situations. I never roleplay any differently than I would act. There are only a few differences. One is, of course, that the situations are staged in roleplay, but in real life they aren't. And of course in real life I don't have as much time to think about what to do. But the interesting thing is how natural it feels online. How much like myself I feel just by roleplaying. And that makes me really happy. I know that there's nothing that would make me happier than being a female.

Ma'am

Isn't it weird how a single word can mean so much? It means respect, honor, submission... But I was never really taught to to use it like most kids. In fact, I'm pretty sure today was the first time I've ever even used that word before. I've never even wanted to before today. But I felt the power behind the word, just by saying it. I have to say I do like the word a lot more than I thought I would. It felt like I was giving a part of myself. In a way that I never have before.

I definitely feel much better about a D/s relationship after talking on the phone today. I'm really happy that you're willing to work around my problems, and what I am. And that makes me all the more willing to push myself into this kind of relationship. I may not have any real experience with it, but I'm really excited to give it a try. And I'm really glad you think I'm worth a try.

The lifestyle

I've been interested in the dominant/submissive lifestyle for a lot longer than I probably should have been. I first learned about it when I was 13 or 14, from internet roleplaying websites. I would go on them, posing as a female submissive. At that time I didn't really care between a male dom or a female domme, but after enough roleplay with different males I decided that I didn't care for them very much, but all of the time I had with female dommes was very enjoyable. Despite that most of them were probably males posing as females that pretty much told me that I would be much happier being submissive to a female than a male, even before I was completely sure of my sexuality.

Since then I've continued to roleplay on sites like that as a female submissive. Though most of the roleplay has been sexual, and I know there is much more to the lifestyle than just that. And I would love to learn about it. I don't know anyone in real life who goes by that sort of lifestyle though, so I've never had a chance to experience it myself. More often than not I will roleplay as a female online, but every once in a while I'll roleplay as what I really am. And most of the responses from males, but the few times I do find a female domme to roleplay out that kind of relationship, it's been very enjoyable.

I'm really excited that I'll finally be able to submit to someone in real life. To be someone's and to make them happy. To give myself to them in any way I can.

My schedule

This is my schedule for most days.

10am - I wake up, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, and take a shower. It usually takes about an hour to finish.

11am - 1pm - I like to relax before class by playing some games on my computer. Around 12:30 I have lunch. It depends on my mood, but I don't normally eat a lot. Just a sandwich or something.

1pm - 4pm - I have class at this time. First my english class, then math. I only take the two classes over the summer.

I head home at 4pm and I don't have much else that I have to do. I have lots of free time until I find myself a job. Probably just a few weeks until I do.