Coming Tomorrow

I'm so glad I get to come visit you tomorrow. It feels like it's been forever since I have. A week really is too long to be away from you. But once I have a car and a job, I don't think I'll have to wait that long again. I can live in the studio and I can see you every day. I can't imagine how happy that would make me. But I can settle for seeing you every few days for now. I don't particularly like the time spent away, but it isn't completely unbearable either.

I do have to admit I'm a little worried that if you do get stricter with me, that I'll feel like I need to be around you more. Normally that would be a good thing, but if I can't see you every day it might be frustrating. I just need to hurry up and get a job so we can be closer more often. I would really like that.

Clean Slate

It's rather nice to know that all the mistakes I've been making don't apply anymore. I know I've made a lot. There isn't much else I can do about them besides promising to do better from now on. So that's what I'm going to do. I promise to do better. I promise to try and not make the same mistakes again. I want you to be pleased with me. I want you to be proud of me. I'm especially happy that you think I'm worthy of giving a clean slate to. Even if I made mistakes, that means I couldn't have done all wrong.

I'm looking forward to coming over Tuesday. I feel a little cheated that I couldn't come over this past weekend though. Not by you of course, just by fate I guess. The time I get with you is special and I hate being deprived of it. But I can manage until Tuesday. I won't die of Domme deprivation before that.

Disappointed

I'm sure you could tell I was really disappointed that I couldn't come over today. I didn't mean to keep sighing in your ear but I kept thinking about how much I'd rather be over there with you than here. Plus who knows how long it will take to get the car fixed. I wish I had my own so I could come visit. It's not fair that I can't be with you more often. I want to fix this as soon as possible. I want to get my own car, and I want to visit you all the time. I want to move into that Studio so I never have to be too far away from you.

I hope that you can get the Lexus fixed quickly. The sooner it's fixed the sooner I can come over. It really bothers me that I don't know when the next time I can see you is. I think I understand how easy it must be for you to freak out when you can't reach me, because I'm doing a little bit of that. I want to see you again, or at least know how long it will be before I can.

Up Too Late

I've stayed up far too long playing that game. We only just stopped playing at 4am. I really should have quit long before, but I didn't. That was dumb. I'm going to pay for it tomorrow since I'm going to be waking up for you to come get me. Speaking of that, I'm really looking forward to it. I always love getting to come visit you. Even if it wasn't my fault I still feel responsible for making you worried. I'm sorry you were so worried because you couldn't reach me. I should have tried harder to contact you. Maybe use one of my family member's cell phones. Something.

My mom brought the prescriptions to me today. No immediate magical effect, but I'm sure after a week or two, it'll start looking better. As long as I keep using it every day.

My body is telling my brain that I should stop trying to blog tonight and just go to sleep. I feel like I got some things down already so I think I'm going to listen to it. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it.

Decent Day

I hope the topical agents from the dermatologist will help me. The more medicine I can use to control the psoriasis the better. I really don't have anything to talk about this time. I looked at the list, and I did do my hair today. I took my vitamins, ate a vegetable, used the oral rinse... Everything.

I talked to my dad today. I mentioned the minifridge, and he was definitely interested. I'd like to bring it next time I go to your house.

Just Random Thoughts

There's nothing particularly pressing on my mind so I'm going to write about whatever comes to mind. Probably won't turn out too well, but we'll see.

These are the things I'm glad about. I'm glad that you let me get that chocolate for my sister. She really appreciated it. So did my sister in law, and my brother, and my niece. Pretty much everyone got a piece and really liked it. I'm glad I was able to get your headlight to work. Now you can drive late and not have to worry about getting a ticket or something. Plus I got to show you that I'm good at figuring things out even if I have no idea where to start. I'm also glad that your debit card works. It's no good to use your credit card for everything. It causes a lot of problems. Besides it's usable in more places.

These are the things I'm upset about. I'm upset we didn't get to have sex because of my psoriasis. It's terrible that we have to deal with that constantly. And it's terrible I can't give you what you want because of it. I'm upset that I don't have a job yet. That needs to change soon. I need a job with benefits so that I can treat problem 1.

I guess that's really all there is to talk about this time. I took my vitamins and I had the V8 while I was at your house. I did my hair, and I'll do it tomorrow too. I didn't get a list in my email so I guess you haven't sent it. But I'm waiting for it so that I can finally be sure every day that I did everything I was supposed to.

Trust

It's a funny little thing isn't it? So important to everything. And it's really obvious when it's not there. You could tell there was something different, even when I couldn't. I'm glad we were able to figure out exactly what was wrong. Now that I see it I can work to be better. I can go back to being submissive because I know everything will be taken care of. I felt my submissiveness coming back as I was talking to you earlier. I was a little upset that we didn't get to talk later though. You didn't text me back when I told you he was here, or when I said he was gone. It said you were online but you didn't respond. I'm hoping you aren't mad at me, but I think if you were you would have told me, so I'll try not to worry about it.

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow so we can talk about all of this. I definitely feel a lot better about where we're going after talking today. I know I don't need to feel defensive with you. And now that I know that's what I've been doing, I promise you that I'll stop.

About Earlier

I was really frustrated earlier. I felt annoyed with myself because I forgot something else. Because I keep making little mistakes like that. It frustrated me because I didn't know how to fix it. I knew you wanted me to do something or you wouldn't have kept talking about it so seriously, but I didn't know what. I didn't know what to say, so I apologized. But that's not what you wanted. And after that I ran out of ideas. But it wasn't over because we kept talking about it, but I still didn't know what to do. I kept getting more and more frustrated because of it because I wanted to make it right but I didn't know how. And then you explained it to me and it was okay after that.

It wouldn't be such a big deal to me if I wasn't so worried about making you disappointed. I don't want to do anything wrong. I hate knowing that you're disappointed because of something I did. Even if you weren't this time, it still felt like you were at the time.

I hope that helps you make some sense of why I was so frustrated. Even if it wasn't a good reason.

Where are You?

I thought it was bad yesterday only being able to talk to you once. I wasn't able to reach you at all yesterday. I didn't see you log in and you didn't answer your phone. I'm worried. The only time you did this before was when I did something wrong. I don't know if you're doing it on purpose or not, and if you are, I don't know what I did wrong. I need to know because it's terrible not knowing if I did something wrong or not. I really hope I didn't and I guess for now that's all I can do.

I masturbated for the first time in several weeks today. Usually you were asking for sex often enough that I didn't need to, but now that I'm away again I have to do it myself. It's a different feeling than sex, for sure. But not better or worse I don't think. I guess I had forgotten what relaxing by yourself felt like. I miss our time together though. Maybe when you get back we can go out or something. We don't have to go to your house. We can just stay out all day and go shopping or something.

I still haven't heard anything about the job at Candler. I'm thinking I should start looking for another job, at the very least while I wait for a response at this one. I can't really afford to just wait for this one, especially if it isn't guaranteed. Maybe Parker's, or somewhere like that. I'm not too picky as long as I'm not working fast food, or construction work or something like that.

I'm doing alright though. I hope you're having a fun time in Texas. I had some lettuce on a chicken sandwich today. I took my vitamins, and I remembered to do my hair.

I Miss You

I guess I was gone too long and you had already gone to sleep. I really miss being near you. It's like something is missing from my life. Actually it's not even LIKE something is missing. Something IS missing from my life. Nothing in my life is as fulfilling as my time with you. I feel empty and alone without you. I hope when you get back from Texas I can come visit you, even if I can't stay for days on end like I have been. Even if it's just for a little while I want to see you. I don't really have anything to talk about but I wanted you to know how much I missed you. I've been thinking about you all day. I'm going to try and call you tomorrow. I hope when I do you're not busy so we can talk for a long time. My mom bought me more minutes, so we can talk and talk and talk. I'm looking forward to it.

Lazy Day

Today was really... boring. I'm missing my time with you more and more. I played games all day, and did a couple of chores for my sister before my brother and his family got back. I didn't get to talk to you as much as I wanted. By the time I got back from greeting my brother you were already gone. And when I saw you message me later, you didn't respond. I was a little sad, but I guess you were busy. It sounded like you were having fun over in Texas so I was glad about that.

I hope we get to talk more tomorrow than we did today. I've missed you and talking to you so little just made me miss you more. I took my vitamins and I had another carrot from my brother's fridge. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting. I hope I have something to do. Maybe you could give me some things to do? If you can think of anything. It might help me feel more submissive while you're gone if I do things for you, plus it will keep me occupied. Just something to think about.

Staying at Home

I don't like staying at home as much anymore. Not just because I miss you. I feel like there isn't anything for me to do here. At your house I can always find something to do. I can spend time with you, or watch TV, or play games, or sometimes chores. And you keep me very well fed, which is so much more than I can say about staying here. There is no TV to watch and you're not here. The only things I have to do over here are chores and playing on the computer. It's fun and all, but sometimes I would like to do something else instead of playing on the computer for hours and hours on end. At your house I don't even feel compelled to be on the computer. I have better things I could be doing. But I don't feel like that here. And I hate it. I hate that the only thing worth my time while I'm here is sitting at the computer.

What a Day

I'm probably not in the bloggiest of moods right now. But especially in a time like this I want to show you I'm thinking of you, and that what you say is still important to me.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable being around Kathleen anymore. Regardless of what she was planning, that was traumatic. I've never, ever had my life threatened like that before. Ever. I've never felt my safety was in so much danger that I immediately had to call the police. I've in fact never called the police on a person before in my life. I gave a lot of information over the phone with the operator. Whether I asked them not to file a report or not, they have the information to, and I think they're going to. With the cop telling me it's for my safety.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I screwed up. Like I should have done something different. Anything at all, that would have kept this from happening the way it did. I should have just gone back to your house without a word. Or maybe I should have made my intentions more clear, that I just wanted to spend some more time with my friends. Maybe then it wouldn't have made you upset, and in turn make her upset. I could have done things differently that would have made things happen differently. Or that I shouldn't have called the cops. That I could have just trusted that things would be handled by you. I don't know what I should of done, or even what I could have done.

I don't feel safe around her. And I don't know what that means for us. I don't know how it can work if I'm genuinely afraid of her. Even if it was just a moment of weakness, of emotional distress, who's to say that she won't have another? And maybe the next time it won't stop? What if she goes through with it? There's such a big difference between her simply not liking me and being so utterly terrified of her. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if I even CAN handle this.

I just want to scream. This is so unfair.

Forgetting to Blog

I hate it when I forget to blog. I've gotten in trouble for it too many times. I'm glad that when it's not my fault you reflect that. I never mean to make mistakes, and I always want to make up for them. Whether through punishment or like I did for last night's missed blog, do something to make up for it.

It's so rare that I just pass out like that. Especially while sitting up. I don't remember laying down or anything at all. Just sitting down, and then waking up. I remembered about the blog as soon as I woke up, so I got breakfast, and then started thinking of what to blog about. And I blogged as soon as I could. I was a worried that you would be upset with me for not doing it last night. But I guess everything's worked out. And not only that, I get to see you Friday! I'm really looking forward to that. I'll try and keep this from happening again in the future.

I have a question though. Would it be okay if I started blogging in the mornings instead of in the evenings? That way I wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep before doing it anymore. Let me know what you think.

Yours

I wanted to talk about why I'm yours. What makes me yours. I don't think I ever completely explained it, and you've said you don't ever assume I'm still yours.

I'm yours because of the feelings you give me. Not just that you're nice to me, or you hold me when I want it. But all the time that I'm with you, I feel as though... there's nothing to worry about. That if something bad happens, you'll be right there to help. Making you smile makes me smile. I can't seem to do anything else when I see you smiling. I have to smile back. I always feel that you're so much more than me. That you don't make any mistakes, and that you would always do what's best for me. Even when I'm being punished, I know it's for my own good. So that I won't make the mistake again.

I always think about you when I go to sleep. When I'm laying alone it feels like you're missing. That you should be right there with me, holding me as I fall asleep. I feel protected, and cherished. I feel wanted. I can be myself around you, in every way I've never been able to. You teach me new things, and try to make me better. You understand when I make mistakes, and you never hold it against me. You make me feel pretty, which is something I've never seen in myself before. You pet me, and hold me, and kiss me. I feel special with you. I want to be the best sub in the world, so that I can make you the happiest domme.

Moving In

I know I just did a blog post about this, but my mind is still dwelling on the thought of me coming to live with you. I could do it as soon as I got a job. I would pay you rent, go to work, and come home. I could show you I'm yours every day and all day. And I would never have to worry about anything ever again, because I would have you to take care of me. I would probably want to live in the studio after some thoughts on it. So that I would be able to have some time by myself, which is important to me. Besides, if I moved into your house, I would try to hang off you all day every day, which I'm sure K and A wouldn't like much.

I feel bad we couldn't think of anything to talk about earlier today. My day had been so boring and you seemed kind of upset. I'm planning on setting off on an epic adventure tomorrow, by which I mean clean the house. I'll probably be done by the time you're home from work, but we'll see. Sometimes you don't know how much work there is to do until you try to do it all. Which reminds me, my brother is out of town for the next week and a half. Which means I can call you from his house phone without me having to use my minutes. That'll be nice. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. I think I would like that.

Hope this entry wasn't terribly boring! I wasn't sure what to blog about, so I went with what was most on my mind. Hope to hear from you very soon!

Living with You

I got a little taste of living with you the past couple of weeks. I really, really liked it after getting over the initial awkwardness of staying for so long. I liked it so much that I didn't want to leave. And I hope once I do get a job and a car I can move in for good. Or at least to the studio outside, if not into the house proper. After all that might be a bit too much for Kathleen. I had a lot of fun and I felt like I was able to be myself all the time. I never had to hide anything, and I was so happy. I was with someone who cares about me, and who I care about back. I felt cherished 100% of the time. And that's not something most people can say; even people who live with their lovers can't usually say that. It's just the perfect feeling. I can be with you all the time. I can do things for you, and show you what makes me yours. I can laugh with you, smile, and cry with you without you ever judging me. You're always there, and you're always giving me the attention I need.

Maybe soon it won't have to end, and I can feel like that all the time. It's the most special feeling anyone could ever feel.

Thank you so much Miss Yana. I can't say it enough, from the very bottom of my heart, thank you for being you.

Introducing BDSM

I have to admit at first, I was a little scared of introducing BDSM. Mostly because it's not something I've ever done before, and of course getting hurt is a good reason to be nervous. But after trying it out a bit I feel more confident about it. The ball gag isn't going to kill me and neither is the flogger. And I trust you. That's the most important part, at least for me. You aren't going to leave welts or anything. Of course I'm still a little nervous, because we've never done it before. But I'm ready for it now. I'm yours, and you can use me however you want.